[Spoken] People say I'm too ambitious with a lot of my songs, uh... So this is a song from the perspective of God [Verse 1] I've never written a book in my life 'Cause your tiny brains would never get it Me compared to Shakespeare's like Shakespeare compared to Shakespeare's wife I gave you everything but I gave you simple minds So you made simple...Learn More

I went to a Catholic school for four years, and I also went on GarageBand, uh, for 20 minutes, and this is the product of that. Hit it All the seats at the Sunday masses Filled with the masses' massive asses Classes pass as fast as molasses Ceremonial reading glasses Read a little bit of Leviticus All the kids are a little too little for...Learn More

[Intro] Let's rock! 1! 2! 1-2-3-4! [Verse 1] I'm a feminine Eminem, a slim shady lady But nice, 'cause I texted Haiti 90 lady cops in the road And I'm arrested for doing 80 Like Hamlet, all about "words, words, words" Divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds I'm a gay sea otter: I blow other dudes out of the water I'm the man muffin, diving,...Learn More

[woman shouts indistinctly] [Bo] What’s that, ma’am? What did you say? This is your moment. Who said it? [woman] Take your pants off! [audience laughs] [Bo] Do not objectify me, okay? You think it’s okay just ’cause I’m a dude? [man] Do it! [audience laughs and cheers] [Bo] You think it’s okay ’cause he’s a dude? That is homophobia. Just the...Learn More

[Intro] I feel like hip hop Used to be a voice for the voiceless And now it's become, at least in the mainstream A symbol of misogyny, gay panic, fiscal irresponsibility So I figure If you can't beat 'em Join 'em [Verse 1] Hittin' the club up VIP I got a fake mustache and a fake ID I look like Wooly Willy With a really wooly willy And I bypass the...Learn More

I'm a nihilist. A complete and perfect nihilist. Life has no meaning. No point. Happiness is a chemical coincidence and nothing else (still "else" though nothing to begin with). Value is a vast vault of black, a black that dictates lack. Oh, and that accidental rhyme just then meant nothing. Why are you color-coding things? WHY?! What's the...Learn More

I saw a gorgeous… dick. I was in the public restroom. Some guys might be like me. I cannot use a urinal when there’s a guy beside me. I freeze up. So I have to use the stalls. In this case, all the stalls were taken. I had to use a urinal. There was a guy beside me. I took a little look. You’re not picturing this. All right. [dramatic music...Learn More

[Verse 1] I don't know if all boy scouts are gays They could probably "tie the knot" in like fifty different ways Got a safe full o' cherries, 'cause I pop it and lock it A girl's like a fridge, once a week you should stock it Girl, if you're into rimmin', it's only safe if you're swimmin' But girl, don't sit on that couch, 'cause I treat my...Learn More

[Announcer] And now… what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like when you’re high on marijuana [Instrumental] [Announcer] And now… what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like… when you’re shit-faced [Instrumental] [Dialogue Woman & Bo Burnham] Hey, baby, I’m home. Honey, you okay? What’s wrong? [inaudible] Are you...Learn More