Spare me from the drunken heathen Gormless bores in Superdry Most unclean, and most unwelcome Like a field of blighted rye Where were you? Where were you? Where were you in mid-July? Where were you in mid-July? Though they boost the congregation Joy turns swiftly into pain Arms aloft, their fingers pointing Taunting me with their refrain What's...Learn More

Rogation Sunday's here again I came downstairs and found your note 'The greater ? near the mudwork by the buckthorn tree is dying P.S. yes I have left you' Your dog got lost, you got distraught You plastered posters all around town The dog was found and it was fine High time you took those posters down Leif Gould, been out every evening Leif...Learn More

When I was young And the blood pulsed swiftly through my veins Before age trampling upon youth Howled at my head with the sinews of 50 winters I never thought about the future or what I would become Didn't care, still don't For as far as I'm aware They don't stitch pockets into shrouds Oh, those Forestry Commission roads What a tale they could...Learn More

Most folk wrap their heads around it and cope Others simply cross their fingers and hope Some work every day To keep us out the fray Everybody striving for the cause But Lockdown Luke just had to fetch his guitar Lockdown Luke social media star Eggs are eggs That’s the truth and what’s more There’s no show without Punch And Lockdown Luke Lockdown...Learn More

It’s a moonlit night and to me it feels right If it’s wrong, somebody will say I’m just doing what I think’s best Though I may have got carried away Never was it my intention To cause a hullaballoo So ask not what you can do for me ‘Cos I’ve already done it for you In a Suffolk ditch That’s where I put the continuity announcer In a Suffolk ditch I...Learn More

Wearing my buskins of mottled cordovan I waited patiently for love It came along in the shape of you but with another man So go Svetlana, go; your palfrey awaits Consoled myself with a cheese and onion batch ‘Sing To God’ by Cardiacs and a beer Then like a blockhead I followed you to the Odeon Still wearing my buskins of mottled cordovan Seems...Learn More

The days she feared are here The easy years are gone His ‘best before' draws near And warning lights are on Effort is tiring But then again Just for enquiring She’ll get a free Parker pen The surgery leaflets Offer advice But there's no preparation For losing him twice And now he's washed and dressed and ready To keep him safe she’ll face the...Learn More

Joel Devaney had a cloven hoof Corey Fuller was insane Sarah Merryweather turned our milk Find them all in Tucker’s drain I was always such a punctual sort Prompt and ready with a rhyme Now I’m getting buried in the morning So get me to the chair on time Saul O’Hanlon and his beatnik chums Curled the needle on my gauge Relocated them to West...Learn More

I'm gonna rewind to the time when I first see you Fast forward to the place where you say "I do" Then I press pause 'cause I'm no longer yours How we ever got together is anyone's guess I was Betamax, you were VHS You were more than happy on your own I wasn't even on the phone But soon towards our fate We seemed to gravitate And before we knew it...Learn More

Keith Muldoon, said he was dead Murdered by a giraffe Christine Payne said "no, he's alive He lives in Haverfordwest" Chemtrail Brian has him in York Getting dragged out of the Ouse Airwair boots, surgical gown Counter-majority views Awkward Sean Awkward Sean Urbek Sean Hatchback Sean We had Slade, we had The Sweet Sean had chickory tip We...Learn More

When I look at my baby All I see is Richie Stephens It’s got the same uneven eyebrows And the snidey little mouth And it reminds me of the evening When you said you’d been to Garstang You’d gone to see Amanda Warhurst About a Silver Cross pram But there was never any Garstang And there’s no Amanda Warhurst You were in the Coach and Horses With...Learn More

He came out of the lunch club for the morally impaired Got into an SUV to drive the mile home Through a park in bloom Quick kiss on the forehead for his wife and Georgia-May Upstairs for his gym bag, the dog gets in his way So his fist connects He’s hard as nails Downstairs and out back through the park And she was walking through the park In...Learn More