'My teacher wasn't half as nice as yours seems to be. His name was Mister Unsworth and he taught us history. And when you didn't know a date he'd get you by the ear And start to twist while you sat there quite paralysed with fear. He'd twist and twist and twist your ear and twist it more and more. Until at last the ear came off and landed on the...Learn More

A woman who my mother knows Came in and took off all her clothes. Said I, not being very old, 'By golly gosh, you must be cold!' 'No, no!' she cried. 'Indeed I'm not! I'm feeling devilishly hot!'...Learn More

There's no earthly way of knowing Which direction they are going! There's no knowing where they're rowing, Or which way the river's flowing! Not a speck of light is showing, So the danger must be growing, For the rowers keep on rowing, And they're certainly not showing Any signs that they are slowing......Learn More

In England once there lived a big And wonderfully clever pig. To everybody it was plain That Piggy had a massive brain. He worked out sums inside his head, There was no book he hadn't read. He knew what made an airplane fly, He knew how engines worked and why. He knew all this, but in the end One question drove him round the bend: He simply...Learn More

'Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop! The great big greedy nincompoop! How long could we allow this beast To gorge and guzzle, feed and feast On everything he wanted to? Great Scott! It simply wouldn't do! However long this pig might live, We're positive he'd never give Even the smallest bit of fun Or happiness to anyone. So what we do in cases such As...Learn More

The most important thing we've learned, So far as children are concerned, Is never, NEVER, NEVER let Them near your television set -- Or better still, just don't install The idiotic thing at all. In almost every house we've been, We've watched them gaping at the screen. They loll and slop and lounge about, And stare until their eyes pop out. (Last...Learn More

'Attention please! Attention please! Don't dare to talk! Don't dare to sneeze! Don't doze or daydream! Stay awake! Your health, your very life's at stake! Ho–ho, you say, they can't mean me. Ha–ha, we answer, wait and see. Did any of you ever meet A child called Goldie Pinklesweet? Who on her seventh birthday went To stay with Granny down in...Learn More

As soon as Wolf began to feel That he would like a decent meal, He went and knocked on Grandma's door. When Grandma opened it, she saw The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin, And Wolfie said, 'May I come in?' Poor Grandmamma was terrified, 'He's going to eat me up!' she cried. And she was absolutely right. He ate her up in one big bite. But...Learn More

The most important thing we've learned, So far as children are concerned, Is never, NEVER, NEVER let Them near your television set -- Or better still, just don't install The idiotic thing at all. In almost every house we've been, We've watched them gaping at the screen. They loll and slop and lounge about, And stare until their eyes pop out. (Last...Learn More

      I had a little nut-tree, Nothing would it bear. I searched in all its branches, But not a nut was there. 'Oh, little tree,' I begged, 'Give me just a few.' The little tree looked down at me And whispered, 'Nuts to you.'...Learn More

'If you are old and have the shakes, If all your bones are full of aches, If you can hardly walk at all, If living drives you up the wall, If you're a grump and full of spite, If you're a human parasite, THEN WHAT YOU NEED IS WONKA–VITE! Your eyes will shine, your hair will grow, Your face and skin will start to glow, Your rotten teeth will all...Learn More

'Dear friends, we surely all agree There's almost nothing worse to see Than some repulsive little bum Who's always chewing chewing gum. (It's very near as bad as those Who sit around and pick the nose). So please believe us when we say That chewing gum will never pay; This sticky habit's bound to send The chewer to a sticky end. Did any of you ever...Learn More