Song: A Date with the Booty Warrior
Viewed: 0 - Published at: 6 years ago
Artist: The Boondocks
Year: 2010Viewed: 0 - Published at: 6 years ago
SUPERIMPOSED: The following footage is an excerpt from NBC's "To Catch a Predator” originally filmed in 2005.
The episode never aired.
FADE TO BLACK:
[We fade in to a view of a door from the interior of a house. In walks The Booty Warrior. He walks down the hallway towards the kitchen.]
YOUNG BOY (O.S.)
Hold on I just got out of the shower, there's some juice on the table
[The Booty Warrior sits down in front of the table.]
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Mhmm, take your time
[We hear the clicking of a door being opened. Chris Hanson walks in to the room. The Booty Warrior pays him no attention.]
CHRIS HANSON
You want to explain to me what you're doing here?
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
I came looking for booty
CHRIS HANSON
You came looking for sex, with an under-age boy?
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Oh naw, I ain't come looking for no little boys
I ain't got no milk, no cookies, nothing. I came looking for man's butt
CHRIS HANSON
A man's butt? Excuse me?
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Turns to Chris. Oh I know who you are, Chris Hanson, but see I-I calls you Chris Handsome. I watch your TV show all the time. So, you can go ahead bring them cameras and polices waiting outside. It don't make me no difference. Now, I tell you what…I like ya and I want ya. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way the choice is yours.
CHRIS HANSON
Well I don't think you and I will be doing anything, any-kind of way.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Ok, I-I see you choosin' the hard way.
CHRIS HANSON (O.S.)
Okay, cut this isn't working, someone get this guy-
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
He tackles Chris and pins him to the table. Don't make me ruin the butt Chris!
I'm a warrior!
(Chris Hanson Screams) as The Booty Warrior seemingly “ruins the butt”.
CUT TO:
HUEY FREEMAN (NARRATION)
Tom DuBois was widely known to be a friend of the gay community. Tom was a crusader for gay marriage. He marched in gay pride parades. He watched gay movies and never once turned away or even made a face during the gay sex scenes.
TOM DUBOIS
Wow. Sean Penn is amazing.
HUEY (NARRATION)
But beneath Tom's support of the gay community was a dark secret. Tom had a fear of going to jail and being anally raped. As Tom walks in to a locker room of regular guys
[Tom hallucinates and sees all the guys in the locker room as buff, naked, inmates in a steamy prison shower room.]
INMATE #1
Hey, hey, hey nigga. You got a nice little ass, nigga. Gimme your ass, nigga. You see me looking at you. Gimme your ass.
TOM
No! Stay away!
INMATE #1
Hey, brown skin! As Tom runs out of the locker room crying
HUEY (NARRATION)
The phobia got so bad he took a leave of absence from his job. Eventually, he stopped leaving the house altogether. Finally, Tom found a program specializing in his phobia, treating patients with a combination of group therapy,
TOM
Stands up. My name is Tom and I have a fear of going to jail and being anally raped.
REST OF PEOPLE IN GROUP THERAPY
Hi, Tom.
HUEY (NARRATION CONT’D)
confidence-building affirmations
ALL IN GROUP THERAPY
My booty is mine. It belongs to me. You cannot take my boo-ty.
HUEY (NARRATION CONT’D)
and basic self-defense.
[Tom’s hands are wrapped around the group therapist. They are role playing, while the therapist shows them how to get out of the hold of an anal rapist.]
GROUP THERAPIST
So when grabbed from behind, the first thing we do is drop our center of gravity. Then, we thrust our hips backwards and our arms forward, breaking the hold Pushing Tom back. He walks behind Tom Okay Tom now, I'll do you and you try to get me off.
[The Therapist places his arms around Tom]
TOM
I can't! Runs out
HUEY (NARRATION)
It was a long road to recovery.
CUT TO:
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
PRINCIPAL
This is the third time your boys have been caught fighting this quarter, Mr. Freeman. This time, it was a brawl against five other boys.
GRANDDAD
What happened to him?
HUEY
He got in the way.
PRINCIPAL
You have two options, Mr. Freeman. The first is that both of your boys are expelled from school.
RILEY
Ooh, I'll take that one. Pick that one, Granddad!
GRANDDAD
And, uh, what's the other?
PRINCIPAL
We send your boys to prison.
GRANDDAD
Hold up. Don't you think that's a little-
PRINCIPAL
This is a permission slip for our Scared Stiff program Hands him the permission slip. Delinquent students visit a real jail so they can interact with real inmates and see the real future that awaits them if they continue with their pathological behavior.
RILEY
Ooh, I change my mind, Granddad! Pick jail! Pick jail! Pick jail! Pick jail! Please let me go to jail!
CUT TO:
INT. GROUP THERAPY SESSION – DAY
GROUP THERAPIST
Tom, do you have something you'd like to share with the group?
TOM
Why, yes I do Stands up. My name is Tom and I am no longer afraid of going to prison and being anally raped.
GROUP THERAPIST
That's fantastic, Tom.
TOM
And to prove it, tomorrow I'm going to prison. I've agreed to chaperone a Scared Stiff program. I'm taking a group of troubled youths to prison so they can mend their ways.
GROUP THERAPIST
Well, that's excellent, Tom.
GUY SCARED OF ANAL RAPE (O.S.)
Whoa, man, are you sure about that?
TOM
Absolutely! I'm looking forward to it.
GROUP THERAPIST
See? Tom is going to face his fears head on. And he's gonna walk out of that prison with his rectum and his peace of mind intact.
GUYS SCARED OF ANAL RAPE
Way to go, Tom! Way to go, buddy.
TOM
Anybody wanna come with me? No. No? Okay.
CUT TO:
INT. TOM AND SARAH’S HOUSE – DAY
SARAH
Honey, it is great that you're making so much progress with the therapy, but I just don't want you to think you have to prove anything to anyone.
TOM
Oh, honey!
SARAH
Look, I'm not worried about your safety, but I'd hate for you to have a bad experience and go back to how you were.
TOM
You know, I was thinking about becoming a defense attorney, but how can I do that if I'm too scared to step foot in prison? How would I meet with the clients?
SARAH
Wow! Tom, I had no idea.
TOM
Imagine it, sweetie. Saving people from anal rape instead of sending them to it. And that's what this trip is about. These boys need this trip. They don't fear jail at all, which means they'll probably end up there if no one does anything. Places his hands on Sarah’s shoulders Don't you see, honey? If I'm afraid to live my life then the anal rapists win. My anus is gonna be fine and I'm gonna make sure those young boys' anuses are just fine too.
SARAH
Pause.
CUT TO:
EXT. J. EDGAR HOOVER ELEMENTARY – DAY
TOM
Okay, guys, remember to stay with the group at all times. And remember, nothing metal in your pockets. The guards will take it away from you and you won't get it back, okay? Bus pulls up Ah, okay, this is it.
[The door folds open and Uncle Ruckus steps out]
UNCLE RUCKUS
All right, alright. My name is Uncle Ruckus, Volunteer Corrections Officer. Next stop, Willie Horton Maximum Security Prison. Now, you white children be prepared. This is gonna be like a trip to the zoo.
But do not worry, your Uncle Ruckus will protect you. And as for you Negroes, well, this just gonna be like a trip to the future. So it should be exciting for everybody! Come on aboard!
TOM
The boys pile on to the bus We got mm-hm, all right Wait, where's Riley?
[Tom walks around the side of the school. Riley is sharpening the edge of a toothbrush on the concrete.]
TOM
Riley, what are you doing?
RILEY
Nothing.
TOM
Give it here.
RILEY
Come on.
TOM
Riley, I am very disappointed in you. Now go get on that bus.
RILEY
We going inside, Mr. DuBois. Anything can happen in there. I gots to have my shank. You want me make you one? I brought an extra toothbrush.
TOM
Now.
RILEY
Man, if something happens, it's your fault. Goes to the bus
[Tom begins to throw the shank away when he begins to think about what Riley said.]
RILEY [TOM’S THOUGHTS V’O]
Anything can happen in there. If something happens, it's your fault. Anything can happen in there. We going inside, Mr. DuBois.
CUT TO:
EXT. WILLIE HORTON MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON - DAY
[After pulling in and going through security, the group is lead through the prison by guards and the warden. The prisoners shout at them]
WARDEN
It's tougher to shock kids nowadays. They already know what goes on in jail. But we do our best to scare the living shit out of them.
[They reach the room with the prisoners who are talking to them]
1ST PRISONER
Some of you are here today 'cause you think jail is cool. But see y'all wouldn't know nothing about that shit. Ain't shit cool about jail, nyukka! I been here 10 years, and I ain't never getting out. I ain't do much. Just kill somebody. It ain't like the nyukka ain't have it coming. Y'all think it's just about us in here, but this is about an oppressive, fucked-up system designed to keep niggas down and shit. Y'all wouldn't know nothing about that. What about you, little nigga? You know about that?
HUEY
Yes.
1ST PRISONER
Oh, you know about that? Tell me what you know about that! Tell me what you think about that!
HUEY
The prison-industrial complex is a system situated at the intersection of government and private interests. It uses prisons as a solution to social, political, and economic problems. It includes human rights violations, the death penalty, slave labor, policing, courts, the media, political prisoners, and the elimination of dissent.
1ST PRISONER
Nigga, did you just say what I was trying to say but smarter? I like this little nigga, but you left one thing out, little nigga. Show of hands, how many people ever raped a man.
RILEY (O.S.)
Pause. Heh-heh.
[All of the prisoners raise their hands]
1ST PRISONER
Uh-huh. How many people ever been raped by a man?
RILEY
Pause again.
1ST PRISONER
All of them. One hundred percent. You can't get no higher than that, nyukka. You step in here, you getting raped. Right up the motherfucking brown eye, baby. I raped a few niggas myself. I ain't really enjoy it, not that much. Shit, it felt good to the motherfucker though. I ain't let that nigga kiss me or nothing, but I did tear that motherfucking ass up, nigga, I ain't gonna lie about it, but that's what the Man's oppressive system did to me.
2ND PRISONER
Now, me? I'm more of a romantic type. I'll still rape you, but I'll definitely stroke your head lovingly while I do it. See, cause I want you to like it. Now, you don't have to like it, but I
[The 2nd Prisoner pauses to stare at Tom]
2nd PRISONER
Sorry. I was distracted by that fine motherfucker right there. What's your name, fine motherfucker?
TOM
I, uh don't think that's, um
RILEY
Tom.
2ND PRISONER
Okay, now let's talk about Tom. Tom is the type of nigga that gives us wet dreams up in here. Medium brown, soft features, tall and in shape, but still soft and squishy.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Now, I like to put the jelly inside my ass. Then put some of this peanut butter on top of it. I call it a peanut butter-jelly and asshole sandwich, but Tom here will be calling it lunch.
1ST PRISONER
You know what the system does when you come to prison? They strip you. They strip you mentally, emotionally, and they strip you naked. But-ass naked! What the fuck is you looking at nigga? Punch you right in your motherfucking temple, nigga. Give me your clothes.
TOM
You're supposed to be scaring the kids.
1ST PRISONER
I said give me your clothes. Start with your shoes. Hurry up. You need some help?
TOM
I got it hands his shoes to the 1st Prisoner who throws them. Now you see this, kids Hands over jacket?
[The jacket lands in front of the booty warrior. He takes the shank out of it]
TOM
You really, really, don't want this to happen to you, okay?
1ST PRISONER
And your shirt too, nigga! Hurry up! Take it off! Okay kids, y'all motherfuckers looking? Huh? Tom just got his motherfucking manhood tested and he failed. He should have knocked my motherfucking head off. And you know what that means, don't you? Tom, you getting raped.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
When you go to prison, the most important thing in your life is gonna be booty. A man's butt. Booty, getting some booty is more important than eating food. It's more important than drinking water. If I see a man I like, I tell him like this here: Looks at Tom I likes you, and I want you. Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours. What's it gonna be? I asked you a question, Tom. I can't hear you.
TOM
I- I don't want to answer.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Uh, excuse me I didn't hear you, Tom.
TOM
I said I-I don't want to answer. I don't wanna I don't wanna do this anymore.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Sound like to me you want it the hard way.
[The Booty Warrior wraps his arm around Tom and places the shank up to his neck. Guards run in]
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
All right, everybody calm down! Calm down! Now we taking over the prison. So back up!
[Tom remembers the move the Group Therapist taught him.]
TOM
You can't have my booty! Tom drops his center of gravity. Then, he thrusts his hips backwards and his arms forward, breaking the hold
[The Booty Warrior is sent in to the wall]
CUT TO:
EXT. WILLIE HORTON MAIXMUM SECURITY PRISON – DAY
[SWAT Teams and police pull up outside the prison as a riot goes on inside. News reporters appear as well]
NEWS REPORTER
And more reports coming in that hostages are being held inside the prison.
CUT TO:
INT. WILLIE HORTON MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON – DAY
[Tom runs down a hallway]
TOM
Oh, my God. I can't believe this.
[Tom runs to the phones mounted to the wall and dials 911]
911 DISPATCHER
Hello, 911 emergency.
TOM
Oh, my God. Listen, you have to help! Help me, please!
911 DISPATCHER
Sir, please calm down. What's your emergency?
TOM
I'm inside William Horton Maximum Security Prison and they attacked the guards. I think there's a riot happening. They've got hostages too. Children. Oh, my God, I left the children!!!
911 DISPATCHER
Sir, where did you say you were again?
TOM
I'm inside the prison. How long before the cops come in and save us?
911 DISPATCHER
Well, I wouldn't hold your breath. Yeah, I got a guy on the phone that says he's at Horton Prison.
I- I don't know, I'll ask. Uh, sir, have they raped you yet? Ha-ha-ha!
TOM
Have they raped No! What kind of a fucked up question is that? Hello? Hello.
CUT TO:
INT. TOM AND SARAH’S HOUSE – DAY
[Sarah picks up a ringing phone]
SARAH
Hello?
COMPUTER
Hello. You have a collect call from a correctional facility from:
TOM (FROM PHONE)
CryingTom!
COMPUTER
Do you accept the call?
SARAH
Yes! Yes! Honey! Oh, Tom! What's wrong?
TOM
I was in the prison, and Riley had a shank and I I didn't throw it away and then it started a riot.
CUT TO:
INT. WILLIE HORTON MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON – DAY
[The prisoners argue with the hostages up against the wall]
THE BOOTY WARRIOR (O.S.)
Damn it, who let that booty get away?
2nd PRISONER
Don't look at me!!!
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
I was fighting with the guards. Well, what do we do now?
3RD PRISONER
Ask him, it was his idea. I thought you had some escape plan worked out.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Wasn't no escape plan. Uh, booty is more important than escaping. So I said to myself when I seen that shank, "This an opportunity for me to get some booty." T
1ST PRISONER
That was it? Nigga, I thought you had demands.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Oh, I had demands. I had demands to get some booty.
1ST PRISONER
I thought this was supposed to be some Attica type shit.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Now, how y'all think that make me feel? Y'all let the booty get away. Now I got to go hunt down the booty. Runs out of the room Tom!
UNCLE RUCKUS
Please, do what you want to them two little gorilla chimps over there, but leave these beautiful little white children alone.
WHITE KID
Are you gonna rape us?
1ST PRISONER
Do we look like priests? We ain't gonna hurt no kids.
UNCLE RUCKUS
Now, that's good. That's good. But it is okay if you do hurt them Referring to Huey and Riley.
1ST PRISONER
Hey, nigga. Hey, didn't I just say we ain't gonna hurt no kids? So shut the fuck up and let me think!
HUEY
No plan, huh?
1ST PRISON
We didn't exactly put a whole lot of thought into this, you know what I'm saying? Guess we just kind of, you know, got caught up in the motherfucking moment.
HUEY
You have grievances, right?
1ST PRISONER
Like a motherfucker.
HUEY
Well, you got hostages. Might as well make the best of it. Make a list of reasonable demands in exchange for the hostages and this might all work out.
1ST PRIDONRR
Hey, yo, what y'all think, niggas? Should we try to like, uh, you know what I'm saying and shit, like, uh, negotiate with these motherfuckers for stuff?
2ND PRISONER
There's definitely some things I'd like to see changed.
1ST PRISONER
Me too. Well, if we gonna do this shit, we need to do it right. We can't just be acting like a bunch of wild ignorant niggas out there just be shouting out demands and shit. We got a motherfucking black president now.
UNCLES RUCKUS
Ha! Good luck! Baboon Bama'll be in here soon too.
1ST PRISONER
Hey, hey! You ain't too fat and ugly to get raped, motherfucker.
UNCLE RUCKUS
I apologize for my outburst.
[We go back to Tom on the phone]
TOM
I left the kids. I gotta go back for the kids.
SARAH
Honey, just stay there. Let the professionals handle it.
TOM
No. This is all my f-fault. I have to make it right. I love you, sweetie.
SARAH
Tom! No, please don't be brave. Bravery isn't your thing.
TOM
I love you, sweetie. If I don't come back, tell Jazmine that I-I
[Tom hangs up the phone and runs away. We go back to the room with the prisoners and the hostages]
1ST PRISONER
Okay, so all the motions brought before this motherfucking committee to add, uh, a demand to the official list of demands will be ratified with a motherfucking majority vote, nigga.
HUEY
Unless that demand is vetoed from the committee chief executive, at which point it will require a two-third majority vote to pass.
2ND PRISONER
Yo, who gets to be the chief executive?
1ST PRISONER
I'm the motherfucking chief executive, motherfucker.
2ND PRISONER
I didn't vote for you. I thought this was a democracy, you autocratic motherfucker.
1ST PRISONER
Come over here, and say that shit and I'll turn your motherfucking teeth upside down.
HUEY
The chief executive is a rotating office to be held by each member of the Executive Riot Committee in order of prison ID number, for a period not to exceed 90 minutes time.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Well, wait a goddamn minute. Who the fuck is this Executive Riot Committee?
2ND PRISONER
Us.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Oh yeah, right.
1ST PRISONER
Okay, good. First motion to introduce a demand for rafification: All in favor of bitches?
[All of the prisoners raise their hands]
1ST PRISONER
Brother Huey, let the record show that the motion has passed. Please add "bitches" to the official list of demands. Okay, next motion?
2ND PRISONER
White bitches.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Wait. Isn't that covered in bitches?
2ND PRISONER
Well, then we have to go back and amend the previous demand to specify white bitches.
THE TOSSED SALAD
Why we gotta have a white bitch because you got a white bitch?
3RD PRISONER
To me it's a wasted demand. They never gonna give us a white bitch.
2ND PRISONER
They never give us one if we don't ask. We got to stand up, and not just demand bitches, but white bitches.
3RD PRISONER
Well, fuck it then, I want me an Alaskan bitch.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Beggars can't be choosers, motherfucker. We already asking for bitches, all right?
2ND PRISONER
We have white hostages. We have the strategic leverage to get white bitches.
3RD PRISONER
Man, y'all being too picky, man. A bitch is a bitch. Man, look, look, why can't y'all just shut the fuck up and be happy with whatever bitch we get up in here?
2ND PRISONER
I guess you never heard the phrase "Yes, we can." It's my God-given right as an inmate to have a white bitch.
HUEY
That's not a God-given right for an inmate. Or anyone else, really.
2ND PRISONER
Oh. Well, I may not have a God-given right to white bitches, but I do have a God-given right to ask for white bitches.
3RD PRISONER
Hey, man, the nigga do have a point.
1ST PRISONER
Hey, he's right. Motion to add "white bitches" to the official list of demands. Everyone in favor? They all raise their hands Motion passes. Please add "white bitches" to the official list of demands.
1ST PRISONER
Okay, next motion.
[We go back to Tom. He’s sneaking through the hallways when to prisoners walk by]
PRISONER WALKING BY
I’m telling you they getting bitches in here. As soon as they get the bitches in here I'll stop tapping your ass.
[Back with the prisoners]
1ST PRISONER
Okay, so the list so far is "Bitches, White bitches, Asian bitches, Brazilian bitches, East Indian bitches, West Indian bitches
TOM
Tom cracks open the door Ruckus! Come on! The kids, Warden, and Ruckus sneak out of the door.
1ST PRISONER (CONT’D)
Broadband internet porn, K- Y Jelly, Condoms, Viagra, People magazine, and Alaskan bitches.
HUEY
Isn't there anything else you guys want? You may never get this chance again. Anything else?
2ND PRISONER
I thought that's what the people magazine was for.
1ST PRISONER
No niggas. I'm gonna knock that down too.
HUEY
What about an end to the outsourcing of prison labor to private companies?
2ND PRISONER
I like that.
1ST PRISONER
Yeah, yeah. That's not bad.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
What if we keep doing the work but they pay us in white bitches? I'd work my ass off.
[We’re with Tom, Ruckus, the Kids, and the Warden]
TOM
Come on.
RUCKUS
Follow him, white children. Niggas know they way through prison.
[We go back to the prisoners. They argue when Huey looks up and gasps. The others look and see that the kids are gone. Back to Tom and the (former) hostages]
TOM
Thank God. Is everyone all right?
THE WARDEN
There's a service exit not far from here.
UNCLE RUCKUS
Aw, my precious little white children. Hugs them I told you, y'all would be safe with your Uncle Ruckus.
TOM
Ruckus, where's Huey and Riley?
UNCLE RUCKUS
Where they belong, with the convicts.
TOM
You left Huey and Riley?
RUCKUS
Course I did.
TOM
You guys go ahead. I've gotta go back.
[Tom runs back]
UNCLE RUCKUS
Tom! Tom, are you crazy? Tom! Stay away from that tossed-salad guy! You got peanut allergies!
[Tom walks down a hallway when he hears Prisoners screaming from a room he’s coming up on.]
PRISONERS
You! I'm talking to you!
[Tom steps back and opens the door to the shower room, he walks in and closes it behind him.]
TOM
The booty is mine. It belongs to me. Steam burst from a pipe AAAAAAAAAAAAH steam….
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Tom, come out to play. He begins to throw soap at Tom So you wanna do it the hard way, huh? I got it for you hard. Don't drop the soap, Tom! comes from behind the steam naked I want that booty, Tom.
TOM
You can't have my booty.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Oh, yeah, I can.
TOM
The booty is mine, it belongs to me, you cannot take my booty.
The booty is mine, it belongs to me, you cannot take my booty.
[Tom head butts The Booty Warrior in the stomach. The Warrior interlocks his hands and slams them on Tom’s back, sending him to the ground. He picks up Tom by his underpants. Tom punches The Booty Warrior in the nuts. He turns around and runs away. The Booty Warrior turns Tom around and punches him in to the wall. Tom slides down and this the ground. The Booty Warrior approaches Tom.]
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Mhm Tom stands up. Mhm come on Tom!
[The Booty Warrior slips on a bar of soap and hits his head on the ground hard. Tom picks up the soap and stands on top of him,]
TOM
You can't have it! Throws the soap at The Warrior
[We go back to the prisoners in the room]
TOSSED SALAD GUY
Ah, man!
RILEY
Yo! Them niggas left without us. Ain't that a bitch.
1ST PRISONER
Whose job was it to watch the motherfucking hostages?
TOSSED SALAD GUY
You forgot to assign it to someone, Mr. Chief Motherfucking Executive.
2ND PRISONER
Did y'all know about this?
HUEY
If we did, do you think we'd still be here?
2ND PRISONER
What are we gonna do with demands and no hostages?
3RD PRISONER
We got them.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Man, we won't get any strategic leverage with them two. I motion we end the riot, disband the Executive Riot Committee, and surrender to authorities.
1ST PRISONER
Okay. All in favor of ending the riot. They all raise their hands
1ST PRISONER
Motion passes.
[The Tossed Salad Guy, 2nd Prisoner, and 3rd Prisoner leave.
2ND PRISONER
Wait a minute, let me get this right. Do the, uh, jelly go inside your ass?
1ST PRISONER
You know, I spend a lot of time, you know, thinking about all the shit I could've done. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I think, I could've been the motherfucking president. Shit. Nigga, I wish things had've been different. I mean, I'd do anything in the motherfucking world just for things to be different. I guess I'm just gonna be raping niggas' asses for the rest of my motherfucking life.
[The 1st Prisoner leaves. Tom comes bursting through the doors screaming. Huey and Riley sit waiting.]
TOM
Boys! Boys, are you okay?
HUEY
Yeah. Are you okay?
TOM
Yes.
Heh. I'm okay. For the first time in a long time, I'm okay.
RILEY
Of course you okay. You ran. How a chaperone gonna run, Mr. DuBois? Huh? "Leave the kids, save yourself?" Is that what chaperoning mean to you? They begin to walk out of the prison. Tom and Huey ignore Riley Pfft. I can't believe this is supposed to scare me. A prison full of bitch-ass niggas. The convicts is bitch-ass niggas. All they did was vote. The COs was bitch-ass niggas, 'cause they just fell over. And, Tom, you's a bitch-ass nigga too. Because all you did was run. They wouldn't know what to do with a real nigga like me up in here. Lucky for them I'm a little kid so they can't put me in a real jail. They gotta put me in a jail for, like, real nigga little kids.
FADE TO:
Black
The episode never aired.
FADE TO BLACK:
[We fade in to a view of a door from the interior of a house. In walks The Booty Warrior. He walks down the hallway towards the kitchen.]
YOUNG BOY (O.S.)
Hold on I just got out of the shower, there's some juice on the table
[The Booty Warrior sits down in front of the table.]
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Mhmm, take your time
[We hear the clicking of a door being opened. Chris Hanson walks in to the room. The Booty Warrior pays him no attention.]
CHRIS HANSON
You want to explain to me what you're doing here?
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
I came looking for booty
CHRIS HANSON
You came looking for sex, with an under-age boy?
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Oh naw, I ain't come looking for no little boys
I ain't got no milk, no cookies, nothing. I came looking for man's butt
CHRIS HANSON
A man's butt? Excuse me?
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Turns to Chris. Oh I know who you are, Chris Hanson, but see I-I calls you Chris Handsome. I watch your TV show all the time. So, you can go ahead bring them cameras and polices waiting outside. It don't make me no difference. Now, I tell you what…I like ya and I want ya. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way the choice is yours.
CHRIS HANSON
Well I don't think you and I will be doing anything, any-kind of way.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Ok, I-I see you choosin' the hard way.
CHRIS HANSON (O.S.)
Okay, cut this isn't working, someone get this guy-
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
He tackles Chris and pins him to the table. Don't make me ruin the butt Chris!
I'm a warrior!
(Chris Hanson Screams) as The Booty Warrior seemingly “ruins the butt”.
CUT TO:
HUEY FREEMAN (NARRATION)
Tom DuBois was widely known to be a friend of the gay community. Tom was a crusader for gay marriage. He marched in gay pride parades. He watched gay movies and never once turned away or even made a face during the gay sex scenes.
TOM DUBOIS
Wow. Sean Penn is amazing.
HUEY (NARRATION)
But beneath Tom's support of the gay community was a dark secret. Tom had a fear of going to jail and being anally raped. As Tom walks in to a locker room of regular guys
[Tom hallucinates and sees all the guys in the locker room as buff, naked, inmates in a steamy prison shower room.]
INMATE #1
Hey, hey, hey nigga. You got a nice little ass, nigga. Gimme your ass, nigga. You see me looking at you. Gimme your ass.
TOM
No! Stay away!
INMATE #1
Hey, brown skin! As Tom runs out of the locker room crying
HUEY (NARRATION)
The phobia got so bad he took a leave of absence from his job. Eventually, he stopped leaving the house altogether. Finally, Tom found a program specializing in his phobia, treating patients with a combination of group therapy,
TOM
Stands up. My name is Tom and I have a fear of going to jail and being anally raped.
REST OF PEOPLE IN GROUP THERAPY
Hi, Tom.
HUEY (NARRATION CONT’D)
confidence-building affirmations
ALL IN GROUP THERAPY
My booty is mine. It belongs to me. You cannot take my boo-ty.
HUEY (NARRATION CONT’D)
and basic self-defense.
[Tom’s hands are wrapped around the group therapist. They are role playing, while the therapist shows them how to get out of the hold of an anal rapist.]
GROUP THERAPIST
So when grabbed from behind, the first thing we do is drop our center of gravity. Then, we thrust our hips backwards and our arms forward, breaking the hold Pushing Tom back. He walks behind Tom Okay Tom now, I'll do you and you try to get me off.
[The Therapist places his arms around Tom]
TOM
I can't! Runs out
HUEY (NARRATION)
It was a long road to recovery.
CUT TO:
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
PRINCIPAL
This is the third time your boys have been caught fighting this quarter, Mr. Freeman. This time, it was a brawl against five other boys.
GRANDDAD
What happened to him?
HUEY
He got in the way.
PRINCIPAL
You have two options, Mr. Freeman. The first is that both of your boys are expelled from school.
RILEY
Ooh, I'll take that one. Pick that one, Granddad!
GRANDDAD
And, uh, what's the other?
PRINCIPAL
We send your boys to prison.
GRANDDAD
Hold up. Don't you think that's a little-
PRINCIPAL
This is a permission slip for our Scared Stiff program Hands him the permission slip. Delinquent students visit a real jail so they can interact with real inmates and see the real future that awaits them if they continue with their pathological behavior.
RILEY
Ooh, I change my mind, Granddad! Pick jail! Pick jail! Pick jail! Pick jail! Please let me go to jail!
CUT TO:
INT. GROUP THERAPY SESSION – DAY
GROUP THERAPIST
Tom, do you have something you'd like to share with the group?
TOM
Why, yes I do Stands up. My name is Tom and I am no longer afraid of going to prison and being anally raped.
GROUP THERAPIST
That's fantastic, Tom.
TOM
And to prove it, tomorrow I'm going to prison. I've agreed to chaperone a Scared Stiff program. I'm taking a group of troubled youths to prison so they can mend their ways.
GROUP THERAPIST
Well, that's excellent, Tom.
GUY SCARED OF ANAL RAPE (O.S.)
Whoa, man, are you sure about that?
TOM
Absolutely! I'm looking forward to it.
GROUP THERAPIST
See? Tom is going to face his fears head on. And he's gonna walk out of that prison with his rectum and his peace of mind intact.
GUYS SCARED OF ANAL RAPE
Way to go, Tom! Way to go, buddy.
TOM
Anybody wanna come with me? No. No? Okay.
CUT TO:
INT. TOM AND SARAH’S HOUSE – DAY
SARAH
Honey, it is great that you're making so much progress with the therapy, but I just don't want you to think you have to prove anything to anyone.
TOM
Oh, honey!
SARAH
Look, I'm not worried about your safety, but I'd hate for you to have a bad experience and go back to how you were.
TOM
You know, I was thinking about becoming a defense attorney, but how can I do that if I'm too scared to step foot in prison? How would I meet with the clients?
SARAH
Wow! Tom, I had no idea.
TOM
Imagine it, sweetie. Saving people from anal rape instead of sending them to it. And that's what this trip is about. These boys need this trip. They don't fear jail at all, which means they'll probably end up there if no one does anything. Places his hands on Sarah’s shoulders Don't you see, honey? If I'm afraid to live my life then the anal rapists win. My anus is gonna be fine and I'm gonna make sure those young boys' anuses are just fine too.
SARAH
Pause.
CUT TO:
EXT. J. EDGAR HOOVER ELEMENTARY – DAY
TOM
Okay, guys, remember to stay with the group at all times. And remember, nothing metal in your pockets. The guards will take it away from you and you won't get it back, okay? Bus pulls up Ah, okay, this is it.
[The door folds open and Uncle Ruckus steps out]
UNCLE RUCKUS
All right, alright. My name is Uncle Ruckus, Volunteer Corrections Officer. Next stop, Willie Horton Maximum Security Prison. Now, you white children be prepared. This is gonna be like a trip to the zoo.
But do not worry, your Uncle Ruckus will protect you. And as for you Negroes, well, this just gonna be like a trip to the future. So it should be exciting for everybody! Come on aboard!
TOM
The boys pile on to the bus We got mm-hm, all right Wait, where's Riley?
[Tom walks around the side of the school. Riley is sharpening the edge of a toothbrush on the concrete.]
TOM
Riley, what are you doing?
RILEY
Nothing.
TOM
Give it here.
RILEY
Come on.
TOM
Riley, I am very disappointed in you. Now go get on that bus.
RILEY
We going inside, Mr. DuBois. Anything can happen in there. I gots to have my shank. You want me make you one? I brought an extra toothbrush.
TOM
Now.
RILEY
Man, if something happens, it's your fault. Goes to the bus
[Tom begins to throw the shank away when he begins to think about what Riley said.]
RILEY [TOM’S THOUGHTS V’O]
Anything can happen in there. If something happens, it's your fault. Anything can happen in there. We going inside, Mr. DuBois.
CUT TO:
EXT. WILLIE HORTON MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON - DAY
[After pulling in and going through security, the group is lead through the prison by guards and the warden. The prisoners shout at them]
WARDEN
It's tougher to shock kids nowadays. They already know what goes on in jail. But we do our best to scare the living shit out of them.
[They reach the room with the prisoners who are talking to them]
1ST PRISONER
Some of you are here today 'cause you think jail is cool. But see y'all wouldn't know nothing about that shit. Ain't shit cool about jail, nyukka! I been here 10 years, and I ain't never getting out. I ain't do much. Just kill somebody. It ain't like the nyukka ain't have it coming. Y'all think it's just about us in here, but this is about an oppressive, fucked-up system designed to keep niggas down and shit. Y'all wouldn't know nothing about that. What about you, little nigga? You know about that?
HUEY
Yes.
1ST PRISONER
Oh, you know about that? Tell me what you know about that! Tell me what you think about that!
HUEY
The prison-industrial complex is a system situated at the intersection of government and private interests. It uses prisons as a solution to social, political, and economic problems. It includes human rights violations, the death penalty, slave labor, policing, courts, the media, political prisoners, and the elimination of dissent.
1ST PRISONER
Nigga, did you just say what I was trying to say but smarter? I like this little nigga, but you left one thing out, little nigga. Show of hands, how many people ever raped a man.
RILEY (O.S.)
Pause. Heh-heh.
[All of the prisoners raise their hands]
1ST PRISONER
Uh-huh. How many people ever been raped by a man?
RILEY
Pause again.
1ST PRISONER
All of them. One hundred percent. You can't get no higher than that, nyukka. You step in here, you getting raped. Right up the motherfucking brown eye, baby. I raped a few niggas myself. I ain't really enjoy it, not that much. Shit, it felt good to the motherfucker though. I ain't let that nigga kiss me or nothing, but I did tear that motherfucking ass up, nigga, I ain't gonna lie about it, but that's what the Man's oppressive system did to me.
2ND PRISONER
Now, me? I'm more of a romantic type. I'll still rape you, but I'll definitely stroke your head lovingly while I do it. See, cause I want you to like it. Now, you don't have to like it, but I
[The 2nd Prisoner pauses to stare at Tom]
2nd PRISONER
Sorry. I was distracted by that fine motherfucker right there. What's your name, fine motherfucker?
TOM
I, uh don't think that's, um
RILEY
Tom.
2ND PRISONER
Okay, now let's talk about Tom. Tom is the type of nigga that gives us wet dreams up in here. Medium brown, soft features, tall and in shape, but still soft and squishy.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Now, I like to put the jelly inside my ass. Then put some of this peanut butter on top of it. I call it a peanut butter-jelly and asshole sandwich, but Tom here will be calling it lunch.
1ST PRISONER
You know what the system does when you come to prison? They strip you. They strip you mentally, emotionally, and they strip you naked. But-ass naked! What the fuck is you looking at nigga? Punch you right in your motherfucking temple, nigga. Give me your clothes.
TOM
You're supposed to be scaring the kids.
1ST PRISONER
I said give me your clothes. Start with your shoes. Hurry up. You need some help?
TOM
I got it hands his shoes to the 1st Prisoner who throws them. Now you see this, kids Hands over jacket?
[The jacket lands in front of the booty warrior. He takes the shank out of it]
TOM
You really, really, don't want this to happen to you, okay?
1ST PRISONER
And your shirt too, nigga! Hurry up! Take it off! Okay kids, y'all motherfuckers looking? Huh? Tom just got his motherfucking manhood tested and he failed. He should have knocked my motherfucking head off. And you know what that means, don't you? Tom, you getting raped.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
When you go to prison, the most important thing in your life is gonna be booty. A man's butt. Booty, getting some booty is more important than eating food. It's more important than drinking water. If I see a man I like, I tell him like this here: Looks at Tom I likes you, and I want you. Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours. What's it gonna be? I asked you a question, Tom. I can't hear you.
TOM
I- I don't want to answer.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Uh, excuse me I didn't hear you, Tom.
TOM
I said I-I don't want to answer. I don't wanna I don't wanna do this anymore.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Sound like to me you want it the hard way.
[The Booty Warrior wraps his arm around Tom and places the shank up to his neck. Guards run in]
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
All right, everybody calm down! Calm down! Now we taking over the prison. So back up!
[Tom remembers the move the Group Therapist taught him.]
TOM
You can't have my booty! Tom drops his center of gravity. Then, he thrusts his hips backwards and his arms forward, breaking the hold
[The Booty Warrior is sent in to the wall]
CUT TO:
EXT. WILLIE HORTON MAIXMUM SECURITY PRISON – DAY
[SWAT Teams and police pull up outside the prison as a riot goes on inside. News reporters appear as well]
NEWS REPORTER
And more reports coming in that hostages are being held inside the prison.
CUT TO:
INT. WILLIE HORTON MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON – DAY
[Tom runs down a hallway]
TOM
Oh, my God. I can't believe this.
[Tom runs to the phones mounted to the wall and dials 911]
911 DISPATCHER
Hello, 911 emergency.
TOM
Oh, my God. Listen, you have to help! Help me, please!
911 DISPATCHER
Sir, please calm down. What's your emergency?
TOM
I'm inside William Horton Maximum Security Prison and they attacked the guards. I think there's a riot happening. They've got hostages too. Children. Oh, my God, I left the children!!!
911 DISPATCHER
Sir, where did you say you were again?
TOM
I'm inside the prison. How long before the cops come in and save us?
911 DISPATCHER
Well, I wouldn't hold your breath. Yeah, I got a guy on the phone that says he's at Horton Prison.
I- I don't know, I'll ask. Uh, sir, have they raped you yet? Ha-ha-ha!
TOM
Have they raped No! What kind of a fucked up question is that? Hello? Hello.
CUT TO:
INT. TOM AND SARAH’S HOUSE – DAY
[Sarah picks up a ringing phone]
SARAH
Hello?
COMPUTER
Hello. You have a collect call from a correctional facility from:
TOM (FROM PHONE)
CryingTom!
COMPUTER
Do you accept the call?
SARAH
Yes! Yes! Honey! Oh, Tom! What's wrong?
TOM
I was in the prison, and Riley had a shank and I I didn't throw it away and then it started a riot.
CUT TO:
INT. WILLIE HORTON MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON – DAY
[The prisoners argue with the hostages up against the wall]
THE BOOTY WARRIOR (O.S.)
Damn it, who let that booty get away?
2nd PRISONER
Don't look at me!!!
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
I was fighting with the guards. Well, what do we do now?
3RD PRISONER
Ask him, it was his idea. I thought you had some escape plan worked out.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Wasn't no escape plan. Uh, booty is more important than escaping. So I said to myself when I seen that shank, "This an opportunity for me to get some booty." T
1ST PRISONER
That was it? Nigga, I thought you had demands.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Oh, I had demands. I had demands to get some booty.
1ST PRISONER
I thought this was supposed to be some Attica type shit.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Now, how y'all think that make me feel? Y'all let the booty get away. Now I got to go hunt down the booty. Runs out of the room Tom!
UNCLE RUCKUS
Please, do what you want to them two little gorilla chimps over there, but leave these beautiful little white children alone.
WHITE KID
Are you gonna rape us?
1ST PRISONER
Do we look like priests? We ain't gonna hurt no kids.
UNCLE RUCKUS
Now, that's good. That's good. But it is okay if you do hurt them Referring to Huey and Riley.
1ST PRISONER
Hey, nigga. Hey, didn't I just say we ain't gonna hurt no kids? So shut the fuck up and let me think!
HUEY
No plan, huh?
1ST PRISON
We didn't exactly put a whole lot of thought into this, you know what I'm saying? Guess we just kind of, you know, got caught up in the motherfucking moment.
HUEY
You have grievances, right?
1ST PRISONER
Like a motherfucker.
HUEY
Well, you got hostages. Might as well make the best of it. Make a list of reasonable demands in exchange for the hostages and this might all work out.
1ST PRIDONRR
Hey, yo, what y'all think, niggas? Should we try to like, uh, you know what I'm saying and shit, like, uh, negotiate with these motherfuckers for stuff?
2ND PRISONER
There's definitely some things I'd like to see changed.
1ST PRISONER
Me too. Well, if we gonna do this shit, we need to do it right. We can't just be acting like a bunch of wild ignorant niggas out there just be shouting out demands and shit. We got a motherfucking black president now.
UNCLES RUCKUS
Ha! Good luck! Baboon Bama'll be in here soon too.
1ST PRISONER
Hey, hey! You ain't too fat and ugly to get raped, motherfucker.
UNCLE RUCKUS
I apologize for my outburst.
[We go back to Tom on the phone]
TOM
I left the kids. I gotta go back for the kids.
SARAH
Honey, just stay there. Let the professionals handle it.
TOM
No. This is all my f-fault. I have to make it right. I love you, sweetie.
SARAH
Tom! No, please don't be brave. Bravery isn't your thing.
TOM
I love you, sweetie. If I don't come back, tell Jazmine that I-I
[Tom hangs up the phone and runs away. We go back to the room with the prisoners and the hostages]
1ST PRISONER
Okay, so all the motions brought before this motherfucking committee to add, uh, a demand to the official list of demands will be ratified with a motherfucking majority vote, nigga.
HUEY
Unless that demand is vetoed from the committee chief executive, at which point it will require a two-third majority vote to pass.
2ND PRISONER
Yo, who gets to be the chief executive?
1ST PRISONER
I'm the motherfucking chief executive, motherfucker.
2ND PRISONER
I didn't vote for you. I thought this was a democracy, you autocratic motherfucker.
1ST PRISONER
Come over here, and say that shit and I'll turn your motherfucking teeth upside down.
HUEY
The chief executive is a rotating office to be held by each member of the Executive Riot Committee in order of prison ID number, for a period not to exceed 90 minutes time.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Well, wait a goddamn minute. Who the fuck is this Executive Riot Committee?
2ND PRISONER
Us.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Oh yeah, right.
1ST PRISONER
Okay, good. First motion to introduce a demand for rafification: All in favor of bitches?
[All of the prisoners raise their hands]
1ST PRISONER
Brother Huey, let the record show that the motion has passed. Please add "bitches" to the official list of demands. Okay, next motion?
2ND PRISONER
White bitches.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Wait. Isn't that covered in bitches?
2ND PRISONER
Well, then we have to go back and amend the previous demand to specify white bitches.
THE TOSSED SALAD
Why we gotta have a white bitch because you got a white bitch?
3RD PRISONER
To me it's a wasted demand. They never gonna give us a white bitch.
2ND PRISONER
They never give us one if we don't ask. We got to stand up, and not just demand bitches, but white bitches.
3RD PRISONER
Well, fuck it then, I want me an Alaskan bitch.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Beggars can't be choosers, motherfucker. We already asking for bitches, all right?
2ND PRISONER
We have white hostages. We have the strategic leverage to get white bitches.
3RD PRISONER
Man, y'all being too picky, man. A bitch is a bitch. Man, look, look, why can't y'all just shut the fuck up and be happy with whatever bitch we get up in here?
2ND PRISONER
I guess you never heard the phrase "Yes, we can." It's my God-given right as an inmate to have a white bitch.
HUEY
That's not a God-given right for an inmate. Or anyone else, really.
2ND PRISONER
Oh. Well, I may not have a God-given right to white bitches, but I do have a God-given right to ask for white bitches.
3RD PRISONER
Hey, man, the nigga do have a point.
1ST PRISONER
Hey, he's right. Motion to add "white bitches" to the official list of demands. Everyone in favor? They all raise their hands Motion passes. Please add "white bitches" to the official list of demands.
1ST PRISONER
Okay, next motion.
[We go back to Tom. He’s sneaking through the hallways when to prisoners walk by]
PRISONER WALKING BY
I’m telling you they getting bitches in here. As soon as they get the bitches in here I'll stop tapping your ass.
[Back with the prisoners]
1ST PRISONER
Okay, so the list so far is "Bitches, White bitches, Asian bitches, Brazilian bitches, East Indian bitches, West Indian bitches
TOM
Tom cracks open the door Ruckus! Come on! The kids, Warden, and Ruckus sneak out of the door.
1ST PRISONER (CONT’D)
Broadband internet porn, K- Y Jelly, Condoms, Viagra, People magazine, and Alaskan bitches.
HUEY
Isn't there anything else you guys want? You may never get this chance again. Anything else?
2ND PRISONER
I thought that's what the people magazine was for.
1ST PRISONER
No niggas. I'm gonna knock that down too.
HUEY
What about an end to the outsourcing of prison labor to private companies?
2ND PRISONER
I like that.
1ST PRISONER
Yeah, yeah. That's not bad.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
What if we keep doing the work but they pay us in white bitches? I'd work my ass off.
[We’re with Tom, Ruckus, the Kids, and the Warden]
TOM
Come on.
RUCKUS
Follow him, white children. Niggas know they way through prison.
[We go back to the prisoners. They argue when Huey looks up and gasps. The others look and see that the kids are gone. Back to Tom and the (former) hostages]
TOM
Thank God. Is everyone all right?
THE WARDEN
There's a service exit not far from here.
UNCLE RUCKUS
Aw, my precious little white children. Hugs them I told you, y'all would be safe with your Uncle Ruckus.
TOM
Ruckus, where's Huey and Riley?
UNCLE RUCKUS
Where they belong, with the convicts.
TOM
You left Huey and Riley?
RUCKUS
Course I did.
TOM
You guys go ahead. I've gotta go back.
[Tom runs back]
UNCLE RUCKUS
Tom! Tom, are you crazy? Tom! Stay away from that tossed-salad guy! You got peanut allergies!
[Tom walks down a hallway when he hears Prisoners screaming from a room he’s coming up on.]
PRISONERS
You! I'm talking to you!
[Tom steps back and opens the door to the shower room, he walks in and closes it behind him.]
TOM
The booty is mine. It belongs to me. Steam burst from a pipe AAAAAAAAAAAAH steam….
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Tom, come out to play. He begins to throw soap at Tom So you wanna do it the hard way, huh? I got it for you hard. Don't drop the soap, Tom! comes from behind the steam naked I want that booty, Tom.
TOM
You can't have my booty.
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Oh, yeah, I can.
TOM
The booty is mine, it belongs to me, you cannot take my booty.
The booty is mine, it belongs to me, you cannot take my booty.
[Tom head butts The Booty Warrior in the stomach. The Warrior interlocks his hands and slams them on Tom’s back, sending him to the ground. He picks up Tom by his underpants. Tom punches The Booty Warrior in the nuts. He turns around and runs away. The Booty Warrior turns Tom around and punches him in to the wall. Tom slides down and this the ground. The Booty Warrior approaches Tom.]
THE BOOTY WARRIOR
Mhm Tom stands up. Mhm come on Tom!
[The Booty Warrior slips on a bar of soap and hits his head on the ground hard. Tom picks up the soap and stands on top of him,]
TOM
You can't have it! Throws the soap at The Warrior
[We go back to the prisoners in the room]
TOSSED SALAD GUY
Ah, man!
RILEY
Yo! Them niggas left without us. Ain't that a bitch.
1ST PRISONER
Whose job was it to watch the motherfucking hostages?
TOSSED SALAD GUY
You forgot to assign it to someone, Mr. Chief Motherfucking Executive.
2ND PRISONER
Did y'all know about this?
HUEY
If we did, do you think we'd still be here?
2ND PRISONER
What are we gonna do with demands and no hostages?
3RD PRISONER
We got them.
THE TOSSED SALAD GUY
Man, we won't get any strategic leverage with them two. I motion we end the riot, disband the Executive Riot Committee, and surrender to authorities.
1ST PRISONER
Okay. All in favor of ending the riot. They all raise their hands
1ST PRISONER
Motion passes.
[The Tossed Salad Guy, 2nd Prisoner, and 3rd Prisoner leave.
2ND PRISONER
Wait a minute, let me get this right. Do the, uh, jelly go inside your ass?
1ST PRISONER
You know, I spend a lot of time, you know, thinking about all the shit I could've done. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I think, I could've been the motherfucking president. Shit. Nigga, I wish things had've been different. I mean, I'd do anything in the motherfucking world just for things to be different. I guess I'm just gonna be raping niggas' asses for the rest of my motherfucking life.
[The 1st Prisoner leaves. Tom comes bursting through the doors screaming. Huey and Riley sit waiting.]
TOM
Boys! Boys, are you okay?
HUEY
Yeah. Are you okay?
TOM
Yes.
Heh. I'm okay. For the first time in a long time, I'm okay.
RILEY
Of course you okay. You ran. How a chaperone gonna run, Mr. DuBois? Huh? "Leave the kids, save yourself?" Is that what chaperoning mean to you? They begin to walk out of the prison. Tom and Huey ignore Riley Pfft. I can't believe this is supposed to scare me. A prison full of bitch-ass niggas. The convicts is bitch-ass niggas. All they did was vote. The COs was bitch-ass niggas, 'cause they just fell over. And, Tom, you's a bitch-ass nigga too. Because all you did was run. They wouldn't know what to do with a real nigga like me up in here. Lucky for them I'm a little kid so they can't put me in a real jail. They gotta put me in a jail for, like, real nigga little kids.
FADE TO:
Black
( The Boondocks )
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