[Lyric] A Secretary Is Not a Toy (Frank Loesser)

Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please!
When something of value is placed in your hands
You treat it maturely with infinite care
You don't make paper boats out of money
You don't toss a fine watch in the air
So you certainly should be aware

That a secretary is not a toy
No, my boy
Not a toy to fondle and dandle
And playfully handle
In search of some puerile joy
No, a secretary is not
Definitely not
A toy

A secretary is not to be
Used for play therapy
If that's what you'rе doing
You're quite misconstruing
Her function whilе in your employ
No, a secretary is not
Definitely not
A toy
She's a highly specialized
Key component of operational unity
A fine and sensitive mechanism
That serves the office community
With a mother at home she supports
(A mother at home she supports)

Do not tamper, do not tinker
He who does so is truly a stinker
Who could learn the plain truth from his shrinker
Or found out at F.A.O. Schwartz

That a secretary is not a small version of volleyball
If you're feeling eager
Ran down to [?] and there you can grab the McCoy
No, a secretary is not
Definitely not
A toy

A secretary is not a pet
Nor an erector set
To juggle and jingle
Like something Kris Kringle
Had left for small hands to destroy
No, a secretary is not
Definitely not
A toy
Gentlemen, to recap:
She's a highly specialized
Key component of operational unity
A fine and sensitive mechanism
That serves the office community
Please observe when you put her to use
(observe when you put her to use)

She's not metal, she's not plastic
Run by motor, or springs, or elastic
And you won't find a name so fantastic
As Lionel on her caboose

A secretary is not a thing
Wound by key, pulled by string
Her pad is to write in
And not spend the night in
If that's what you plan to enjoy
No, a secretary is not
Definitely not
A toy