Song: Subs vs. Dubs Script
Viewed: 79 - Published at: 5 years ago
Artist: Anime Crimes Division
Year: 2017Viewed: 79 - Published at: 5 years ago
The scene opens to some paper lanterns, a maneki-neko figurine then a pigeon flying away.
JOE: (narrating) In Neo Otaku City, there are two kinds of people. The kind of people who can recite the Sailor Moon theme song from memory in the original Japanese, and the kind who don't belong here. When someone commits a crime against anime, they don't call the police. They call: the Anime Crimes Division.
[OPENING CREDITS]
The scene opens to a shipping yard, where Senzaki is running off with with Joe chasing him.
JOE: God dammit, Senzaki! Stop!
Joe chases Senzaki until he reaches a dead end.
JOE: (points the Dominator at Senzaki) Drop it, Senzaki!
SENZAKI: (holds a detanator) You take one more step and I'm blowing those containers sky high! Think of the women, detective. Do you want their blood on your hands?
JOE: Do you know what this is? It's a .45 MW.TRG Dominator from Psycho Pass. Fully licensed, precision molded ABS casing, modified to shoot 6mm BBs from Tokyo Marui M9 mags. And I know what you're thinking: did I fire twenty-six airsoft pellets? Or only twenty-five?
SENZAKI: No. (takes off his sunglasses) I'm just wondering if you're stupid enough to think you can kill me with an airsoft gun.
JOE: No. I'm not.
Joe fires a pellet and everything goes into slow-motion as it sails towards Senzaki until it hits him in his eyes, causing him to recoil in pain and drop the detonator, which Joe catches before it reaches the ground.
Two police officers open up a container and one of them shines a light.
OFFICER: It's okay, girls. You're safe now.
Various body pillows are shown.
OFFICER: Four shipping containers full of smuggled body pillow brides. (pats Joe's shoulder) Incredible bust, detective.
JOE: Their "busts" are what got them thrown in these containers in the first place, kid.
OFFICER: Sir?
JOE: Sorry. This city just... takes a toll on you. (takes out a Pocky box from his pocket and takes out a stick) For every shipment of waifus we save from the sex trade, a dismemberment of a collector's Gundam goes unavenged. All those mechas... lost in the night. (bites the Pocky stick)
The officer pats Joe's shoulder again and walks off.
CHIEF: I thought you'd quit Pocky!
JOE: I thought you'd shut the hell up. What's the next case, chief? You didn't come down here just to give me a pat on the back and tell me what a sugoi job I did.
CHIEF: Vandalism in Tetsuokanedatetsuokaneda Park.
JOE: So?
CHIEF: So? It's about what they wrote. Three words that could burn this city to ashes.
Cuts to Tetsuokanedatetsuokaneda Park, where a large statue with the words "DUBS NOT SUBS" painted on it.
JOE: My God. This could spark a war between the subber and dubber gangs.
CHIEF: Exactly. Which is why I'm assigning you a partner.
JOE: Partner?
CHIEF: This mission is too important for you to lone wolf it. So we're giving you a cub.
Cuts to Diesel drinking boba tea.
CHIEF: She's fresh out of Little Police Academia, but she picks things up fast.
Diesel chokes, the vomits the boba tea she drank.
CHIEF: I'm sure you two will get along great. (pats Joe's shoulder and walks away.)
DIESEL: (approaches Joe) I'm Detective Diesel. It's an honor to meet you, sir-
JOE: Which Yuri on Ice character has the juiciest butt?
DIESEL: What?
JOE: JUICIEST BUTT! STOP WASTING MY TIME!
DIESEL: Uh, I haven't seen Yuri on Ice.
JOE: Christophe Giacometti. Goddammit, I knew you were nothing but a wannabe-a-boo.
DIESEL: No I'm not! I love anime!
JOE: What's your favorite anime then?
DIESEL: Digimon.
JOE: I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that. CSI have anything for me?
DIESEL: Um (clears throat) the paint is generic, but the font is Helvetica Neue.
JOE: Favored by the Subber Gang.
DIESEL: Which I found confusing. If the Subbers did this, why "Dubs not Subs?" Wouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, we're in the middle of Dub Gang territory.
Cuts to two Dub Gang members.
DUB GANG MEMBER #1: What an absolute shame for such a beautiful statue to be vandalized!
DUB GANG MEMBER #2: The statue was a cultural touchstone in the park and will now have to be repainted!
JOE: Could have been working fast. Made a mistake.
DIESEL: But if the Subbers did this-
JOE: Post your fan theories to Tumblr! Here we do real police work!
DUGNUT: Detective!
JOE: Who are you?
DUGNUT: Bob Dugnut! I donated that statue!
CHIEF: Mr. Dugnut is the head of M4E.
DIESEL: The manga publishing company.
DUGNUT: If these criminals are not brought to justice, I'll see to it that your ass is demoted to tentacle vice before you can say Pocky addiction!
Cuts to the Subber Gang headquarters, where their leader is reading a newspaper as Joe and Diesel walk in.
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Detective Furaya... how did you get in here?
SUBBER BODYGUARD: (in Japanese) What do you want with the anego of the Subbers?
DIESEL: What's an "anego?"
Joe points upward, revealing text that says: "Note: Informal 'sis.' Anego here refers to the leader of a yakuza gang."
JOE: Please ignore my friend. She watches Digimon. What do you know about the graffiti in Tetsuokanedatetsuokaneda Park?
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) We had nothing to do with that.
JOE: But your font was-
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Is that all you have, detective? A font match? (scoffs) Stop wasting my time!
DIESEL: Sir. My teachings from Digimon have taught me how to spot a liar and I don't think she's lying.
JOE: If I want to know about Last Airbender trivia, I'll ask. For now this is my investigation and you'll keep quiet!
DIESEL: I am getting sick and tired of being disr-
An explosion was heard, interrupting Diesel. Several Subber Gang members jolt to attention.
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Check it out!
Everyone rushes outside to see a dead Subber Gang member and the words "SUBBERS ALL TO DEATH" spraypainted on the wall.
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Look! The Dubbers killed our men. This cannot go unavenged! My brother will pay for what he has done! (pulls out half a scissor) To war!
The Subbers cheer and follow their leader.
JOE: Dammit. A gang war of this magnitude could destroy the city.
DIESEL: Wait a second... who's that?
A masked figure sees them and runs off, prompting them to follow him. Joe attempts to fire, but his Dominator jams.
DIESEL: Get down! (tackles Joe to the ground before he gets shot.)
The masked figure escapes.
JOE: You saved me.
DIESEL: You're the Tai to my Izzy, sir.
Joe looks at Diesel in confusion.
DIESEL: They're Digimon characters.
JOE: Looks like I still got a lot to learn.
DIESEL: I'd recommend starting with the manga honestly, it provides a lot of-
JOE: Manga! Oh my God, you solved the case! Come on. We gotta go stop a war.
[INTERMISSION]
Cuts to Tetsuokanedatetsuokaneda Park, where the Subber and Dubber gangs are about to do battle.
DUBBER GANG MEMBER: You'll pay for what you've done to our statue!
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Silence, you mouthy coward!
DUBBER LEADER: (raises his scissor blade) I will use the power of the light to make you die!
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Arial Black Attack!
DUBBER LEADER: No!
They prepare to strike.
JOE: Wait!
They stop when they see Joe and Diesel escort a person whose face is covered by a jacket.
JOE: You don't need to fight.
DUBBER GANG MEMBER: We most certainly do, my friend, for we have come to fight and fighting is what we will do!
DIESEL: You're blaming each other for crimes neither of you committed. The true culprit is... (removes the jacket, revealing Dugnut) Bob Dugnut, CEO of the M4E manga company.
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) No...!
JOE: This statue is in Dubber territory, which means the graffiti on it makes no sense.
Flashes back to the vandalized statue.
DIESEL: Unless you read it from right to left.
Another flashback reads the statues as "SUBS NOT DUBS."
JOE: Same with the note at Subber HQ.
Flashes back to the spray paint at Subbers HQ.
DUGNUT: That's right. It's not about the subs or the dubs. It's about the anime versus the original manga! Have you even read the original run of Akira?! They cut out half the characters for the anime! HALF! (gets punched by Joe)
JOE: Listen! We all have our differences. Some of us dub. Some of us sub. (looks towards Diesel) And some of us watch Digimon. But we can't let those differences divide us! Because at the end of the day, we are all united in our mutual love of animation.
The gang leaders stand in silence for a few moments, then prepare to attack once again, only for the next scene to reveal a scissor cutting a ribbon.
DUBBER LEADER: Kimiko and I now declare this park...
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Re-opened!
Everyone applauds cheers. The chief takes out a Pocky stick and hands the box to Joe.
JOE: I'm quitting.
CHIEF: Ha! Guess you did him some good after all.
DIESEL: Won't happen again, sir.
CHIEF: I sure hope not! Because we just got word of the theft of a one-of-a-kind Yu-Gi-Oh! card.
DIESEL: Whaddya say, Joe? You sick of this "wannabe-a-boo" yet?
JOE: Don't worry Diesel. You're as weeby as they come. Let's go.
They high-five each other, then run off as the camera pans up to the sky.
[CREDITS]
JOE: (narrating) In Neo Otaku City, there are two kinds of people. The kind of people who can recite the Sailor Moon theme song from memory in the original Japanese, and the kind who don't belong here. When someone commits a crime against anime, they don't call the police. They call: the Anime Crimes Division.
[OPENING CREDITS]
The scene opens to a shipping yard, where Senzaki is running off with with Joe chasing him.
JOE: God dammit, Senzaki! Stop!
Joe chases Senzaki until he reaches a dead end.
JOE: (points the Dominator at Senzaki) Drop it, Senzaki!
SENZAKI: (holds a detanator) You take one more step and I'm blowing those containers sky high! Think of the women, detective. Do you want their blood on your hands?
JOE: Do you know what this is? It's a .45 MW.TRG Dominator from Psycho Pass. Fully licensed, precision molded ABS casing, modified to shoot 6mm BBs from Tokyo Marui M9 mags. And I know what you're thinking: did I fire twenty-six airsoft pellets? Or only twenty-five?
SENZAKI: No. (takes off his sunglasses) I'm just wondering if you're stupid enough to think you can kill me with an airsoft gun.
JOE: No. I'm not.
Joe fires a pellet and everything goes into slow-motion as it sails towards Senzaki until it hits him in his eyes, causing him to recoil in pain and drop the detonator, which Joe catches before it reaches the ground.
Two police officers open up a container and one of them shines a light.
OFFICER: It's okay, girls. You're safe now.
Various body pillows are shown.
OFFICER: Four shipping containers full of smuggled body pillow brides. (pats Joe's shoulder) Incredible bust, detective.
JOE: Their "busts" are what got them thrown in these containers in the first place, kid.
OFFICER: Sir?
JOE: Sorry. This city just... takes a toll on you. (takes out a Pocky box from his pocket and takes out a stick) For every shipment of waifus we save from the sex trade, a dismemberment of a collector's Gundam goes unavenged. All those mechas... lost in the night. (bites the Pocky stick)
The officer pats Joe's shoulder again and walks off.
CHIEF: I thought you'd quit Pocky!
JOE: I thought you'd shut the hell up. What's the next case, chief? You didn't come down here just to give me a pat on the back and tell me what a sugoi job I did.
CHIEF: Vandalism in Tetsuokanedatetsuokaneda Park.
JOE: So?
CHIEF: So? It's about what they wrote. Three words that could burn this city to ashes.
Cuts to Tetsuokanedatetsuokaneda Park, where a large statue with the words "DUBS NOT SUBS" painted on it.
JOE: My God. This could spark a war between the subber and dubber gangs.
CHIEF: Exactly. Which is why I'm assigning you a partner.
JOE: Partner?
CHIEF: This mission is too important for you to lone wolf it. So we're giving you a cub.
Cuts to Diesel drinking boba tea.
CHIEF: She's fresh out of Little Police Academia, but she picks things up fast.
Diesel chokes, the vomits the boba tea she drank.
CHIEF: I'm sure you two will get along great. (pats Joe's shoulder and walks away.)
DIESEL: (approaches Joe) I'm Detective Diesel. It's an honor to meet you, sir-
JOE: Which Yuri on Ice character has the juiciest butt?
DIESEL: What?
JOE: JUICIEST BUTT! STOP WASTING MY TIME!
DIESEL: Uh, I haven't seen Yuri on Ice.
JOE: Christophe Giacometti. Goddammit, I knew you were nothing but a wannabe-a-boo.
DIESEL: No I'm not! I love anime!
JOE: What's your favorite anime then?
DIESEL: Digimon.
JOE: I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that. CSI have anything for me?
DIESEL: Um (clears throat) the paint is generic, but the font is Helvetica Neue.
JOE: Favored by the Subber Gang.
DIESEL: Which I found confusing. If the Subbers did this, why "Dubs not Subs?" Wouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, we're in the middle of Dub Gang territory.
Cuts to two Dub Gang members.
DUB GANG MEMBER #1: What an absolute shame for such a beautiful statue to be vandalized!
DUB GANG MEMBER #2: The statue was a cultural touchstone in the park and will now have to be repainted!
JOE: Could have been working fast. Made a mistake.
DIESEL: But if the Subbers did this-
JOE: Post your fan theories to Tumblr! Here we do real police work!
DUGNUT: Detective!
JOE: Who are you?
DUGNUT: Bob Dugnut! I donated that statue!
CHIEF: Mr. Dugnut is the head of M4E.
DIESEL: The manga publishing company.
DUGNUT: If these criminals are not brought to justice, I'll see to it that your ass is demoted to tentacle vice before you can say Pocky addiction!
Cuts to the Subber Gang headquarters, where their leader is reading a newspaper as Joe and Diesel walk in.
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Detective Furaya... how did you get in here?
SUBBER BODYGUARD: (in Japanese) What do you want with the anego of the Subbers?
DIESEL: What's an "anego?"
Joe points upward, revealing text that says: "Note: Informal 'sis.' Anego here refers to the leader of a yakuza gang."
JOE: Please ignore my friend. She watches Digimon. What do you know about the graffiti in Tetsuokanedatetsuokaneda Park?
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) We had nothing to do with that.
JOE: But your font was-
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Is that all you have, detective? A font match? (scoffs) Stop wasting my time!
DIESEL: Sir. My teachings from Digimon have taught me how to spot a liar and I don't think she's lying.
JOE: If I want to know about Last Airbender trivia, I'll ask. For now this is my investigation and you'll keep quiet!
DIESEL: I am getting sick and tired of being disr-
An explosion was heard, interrupting Diesel. Several Subber Gang members jolt to attention.
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Check it out!
Everyone rushes outside to see a dead Subber Gang member and the words "SUBBERS ALL TO DEATH" spraypainted on the wall.
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Look! The Dubbers killed our men. This cannot go unavenged! My brother will pay for what he has done! (pulls out half a scissor) To war!
The Subbers cheer and follow their leader.
JOE: Dammit. A gang war of this magnitude could destroy the city.
DIESEL: Wait a second... who's that?
A masked figure sees them and runs off, prompting them to follow him. Joe attempts to fire, but his Dominator jams.
DIESEL: Get down! (tackles Joe to the ground before he gets shot.)
The masked figure escapes.
JOE: You saved me.
DIESEL: You're the Tai to my Izzy, sir.
Joe looks at Diesel in confusion.
DIESEL: They're Digimon characters.
JOE: Looks like I still got a lot to learn.
DIESEL: I'd recommend starting with the manga honestly, it provides a lot of-
JOE: Manga! Oh my God, you solved the case! Come on. We gotta go stop a war.
[INTERMISSION]
Cuts to Tetsuokanedatetsuokaneda Park, where the Subber and Dubber gangs are about to do battle.
DUBBER GANG MEMBER: You'll pay for what you've done to our statue!
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Silence, you mouthy coward!
DUBBER LEADER: (raises his scissor blade) I will use the power of the light to make you die!
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Arial Black Attack!
DUBBER LEADER: No!
They prepare to strike.
JOE: Wait!
They stop when they see Joe and Diesel escort a person whose face is covered by a jacket.
JOE: You don't need to fight.
DUBBER GANG MEMBER: We most certainly do, my friend, for we have come to fight and fighting is what we will do!
DIESEL: You're blaming each other for crimes neither of you committed. The true culprit is... (removes the jacket, revealing Dugnut) Bob Dugnut, CEO of the M4E manga company.
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) No...!
JOE: This statue is in Dubber territory, which means the graffiti on it makes no sense.
Flashes back to the vandalized statue.
DIESEL: Unless you read it from right to left.
Another flashback reads the statues as "SUBS NOT DUBS."
JOE: Same with the note at Subber HQ.
Flashes back to the spray paint at Subbers HQ.
DUGNUT: That's right. It's not about the subs or the dubs. It's about the anime versus the original manga! Have you even read the original run of Akira?! They cut out half the characters for the anime! HALF! (gets punched by Joe)
JOE: Listen! We all have our differences. Some of us dub. Some of us sub. (looks towards Diesel) And some of us watch Digimon. But we can't let those differences divide us! Because at the end of the day, we are all united in our mutual love of animation.
The gang leaders stand in silence for a few moments, then prepare to attack once again, only for the next scene to reveal a scissor cutting a ribbon.
DUBBER LEADER: Kimiko and I now declare this park...
SUBBER BOSS: (in Japanese) Re-opened!
Everyone applauds cheers. The chief takes out a Pocky stick and hands the box to Joe.
JOE: I'm quitting.
CHIEF: Ha! Guess you did him some good after all.
DIESEL: Won't happen again, sir.
CHIEF: I sure hope not! Because we just got word of the theft of a one-of-a-kind Yu-Gi-Oh! card.
DIESEL: Whaddya say, Joe? You sick of this "wannabe-a-boo" yet?
JOE: Don't worry Diesel. You're as weeby as they come. Let's go.
They high-five each other, then run off as the camera pans up to the sky.
[CREDITS]
( Anime Crimes Division )
www.ChordsAZ.com