The Golden Goldfish Shooting goldfish from her hand The Golden Goldfish Fighting e-mail spam With her crime fighting friends: The Deceiver, The Bear, and The Banzai Bird The Golden Goldfish Always has the final word...Learn More

"Hey, what do you make of this?" "Huh." "It says, "Serving size - one container, Serving's per container - two." "So... each container must have two containers in it." "But, wouldn't that be four servings?" "...You tell me, you're the one who made onion flavored yogurt." "...Jeez, I hope it's not four servings..."...Learn More

Just yesterday, he came to my house I asked him his name and he opened his mouth and said "I don't have a name, my name I forgot Whatever you call me, my name it is not." The man with no name, he gave me his card: A blank scrap he found out in my front yard He said: "I don't have a name, my name I forgot Whatever you call me, my name it is...Learn More

Farkle! Since 1942 And Before Farkle Has Been An International Insitution Known World Wide for it's Indurance, Reliability, Celery Smell, And Freshness In The Face Of Adversity, Mold, Concrete, [?], Ready-Made Pie Crust, Tackle Box, And Producing Swelling In Children Ages 14 to 86 Farkle Was History In The Making! Why, Even Farkle's Late Creator,...Learn More

“Thanks, thank you, thank you, no seriously, oh thank you, thank you very much, very much, thank you…” “Alright now i'd like to do another song for ya, this is one that came up back in ‘48, uhh I wrote it with my cousin Bernie and uhh it goes somethin’ like this.” “3, 4…” You say you don't really love me… [Laughter, Applause] You say, you don't...Learn More

[Spooky Sounds] [Dial-up noise] “Help me…” “If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.” “Hang up, and then dial your operator.” “Help me, please…” [Dial-up noise] “Somebody help me…” “Bobby??” [More spooky sounds]...Learn More

Whatever Lemmings will do, we'll do We certainly shall endeavor Whatever Lemmings will do, we'll do And lemmings will do whatever Lemmings will follow their friends to the ocean And jump off a cliff to their deaths, no question Whatever lemmings will do, we'll do And lemmings will do whatever...Learn More

The Audubon Society was formed, not in 1883 But in 1886 by George Grinnell- He found it hard to justify the number of native birds who died To satisfy the hat-shop clientele He said Why do we shoot them from the sky When they're only passing by Why not count the birds instead They can’t sing if they are dead If they're stuffed and on your head Or...Learn More

Welcome to Watertown Where it's all your fault I’m working insecurities At the shopping mall The doctor is a maniac But the air is free Second-hand oxygen Is all I breathe This is a town with a melody The birds sing it back to me Until I hold my hands up And say why don't you stop And I think I'm on the verge of insanity And I lost my wallet, my...Learn More

Why is the rain so wet, so wet? Why is the rain so wet? Why is the rain so wet, so wet? Why is the rain so freaking wet? It's made of water Made of water Made of water Maybe it’s just that the water's made of rain Why are my tears so wet, so wet? Why are my tears so wet? Why are my tears so wet wet wet wet? Why are my tears so wet? They're made...Learn More

At eleven-o-six My watch stopped ticking My telephone started to ring The voice on the line said --Have you got the twine? Then I started to sing I said What's so important 'bout peaches and cream Wake up and start living It's a beautiful dream The box spring's turning In the music machine And your grandmother's Run from the room It's only a...Learn More

I'm not a high-priced attorney Who’ll charge a hundred-thousand a case I bear absolutely no resemblance To Andy Griffith in body or face Yes, my name is Matlock, but I'm not named after the show Yes, my name is Matlock, but I'm not named after the show...Learn More