[Lyric] Andrew’s Christmas Poem No Good for Christmas (Episode One)

I'm not afraid to say it, that on Christmas day
I'll be going away to a place without snow
I'm no good at gifts or Christmastime riffs
And I'll never be kissed under the mistletoe
Yeah, sorry to the big man, I have no cookies for you
I have no milk and no treats or new Santa shoes
I'm not an Elf on the Shelf or Christmas tree angel
I'd probably die if I slept in a manger
I can't cook a goose and I can't wrap a present
I can't make a cake or a Christmastime pheasant
Forget a snowman, I can't make a snowball
I won't sit on Old Nick's lap at Christmastime mall
I can't figure skate or make a figure eight
I can't decorate for I just am not tall
I can't go caroling or sing your holiday songs
I can't mеrrily smoke your Grinch-colored bongs
I can't show you how to shoot a reindeer with a riflе
I can't say happy new year on a tower of Eiffel
I can't eat gumdrops cause' they're too spicy
I can't eat wedges of Christmas cheese because they're too micey
I don't know what it's like to stuff someone's stocking
I know that I'm the Christmas fool you're all mocking
So I guess I'll just fucking die in a frozen river
You all want this to happen cause' I'm such a shit gift-giver
I'm laying on my roof hoping Santa runs me over with his sleigh
And all those cool reindeer with names will make my life go away
Their hooves will stomp on my heart and my ass
Destroy my twig and my berries and my ribs will be mashed
They'll find my teeth scattered about the snow
And I'll be left for dead, and no one will know
And I wish everyone would be sad that I'm gone!
But I'm just shit at all this that can't fix my wrongs
So I'm just really sad that nobody cares
That I'm no good at Christmas and I have frozen tears

But I'm not saying what I wanted to say
That you're all my best friends on Christmas day
And even when I'm sad I could just build a fire
So we can all be warm and sit by the fire
And drink hot chocolate with little marshmallows
And riff on Christmas with all my good fellows

That stuff I said earlier was just a joke
Cause' Christmastime is a season bespoke
For those who love to feel good and basically dope
So merry Christmas to all, let's make it one that can't be topped
We're such amazing podcasters and we cannot be stopped!