[Lyric] Epic Rap Battle of Manliness (Rhett and Link)

[Verse 1: Rhett]
I was born with hair on my chest
A gleam in my eye to latch onto a breast
I cut my own umbilical cord with my razor-sharp teeth
Then I drove home and my mom rode on in the back seat
I didn't go through puberty, puberty went through me
And it was never even awkward 'cause I made it happen instantly
If you addressed a letter to 'Man' and put it in the mail
Rest assured I'd receive it but I ain't gonna be your pen pal
My time is too valuable for that
I'll be too busy working a jackhammer

[Verse 2: Link]
You're a momma's boy
I was born in an Arctic cave
And adopted by wolves, that's how I was raised
I didn't drink milk, I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes
I killed the first man that I met with just my firm hand shake
I potty trained myself, you're still bed wetting
I smell like charcoal when I'm sweating and was the best man at my own wedding
Search Google Images for masculinity
Feel free to photoshop your face on that image of me
Creative Commons, punk
Meanwhile I'll be adjusting some really large nuts
[Verse 3: Rhett, Link]
I rise before the sun, screw circadian rhythm
I bathe with sandpaper and my underwear is denim
I shave with a box cutter, blindfolded as well
'Cause if I look in the mirror I intimidate myself
I got no need for sleep, I never shut my eyes
I tie fishing lures while I memorize Apache war cries
The sun comes up when I tell it I'm ready
Then I trim my nose hairs with a razor-sharp machete

[Verse 4: Rhett, Link]
I'm manly 'cause I'm so handy, even my feet are hands
I built a hobbit house for a homeless man without using any plans
My kids' jungle gym has a full-size trapeze
And I modified my garden hose to dispense nacho cheese
I'm handy, too, I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan into your bedroom
My right incisor's a Phillips head screwdriver
I made my sun deck into a holodeck where I hang out with MacGyver

[Verse 5: Rhett, Link]
My GPS gets its sense of direction from me
I can drive ten hours without stopping to take a leak
I don't avert my eyes when I pass roadkill
And I teach an online course in parallel parking skills
When my car breaks down I don't call a mechanic
I just open the hood and then I stare at it
And then I call a mechanic but I won't be cheated
He's not gonna talk me into repairs that I didn't know that I needed
[Verse 6: Rhett, Link]
I can sleep alone in the woods without a tent
I might get a little scared but then I get over it
I tie knots that Eagle Scouts haven't even heard of
Like the double overhead figure-eight fisherman's bird glove
Well, I got the know-how to properly grill every part of a cow
And when I taste a veggie patty I just spit it out
I break your face with a plate if you want it well done
And your wife is always asking me to toast her buns

[Interlude: EpicLLOYD, Link, Rhett, Nice Peter]
-Er, fellas? Everything alright here?
-Er, yeah! He was just cleaning something off my shirt
-Yup, got it
-Okey dokey. You guys have a great day!

[Verse 7: Rhett, Link]
I'm too much man for a manicure
I don't even have cuticles
For the sake of convenience I keep a urinal in my cubicle
I can barefoot ski
I can smell the fear of bees
I threw up in my mouth the one time that I watched Glee
I am my own boss
My middle name is Hoss
I don't even know what it feels like to sit with my legs crossed
I've never been shopping
I don't remove pizza toppings
I can tell the age of a mountain goat just by sniffing its droppings
You sniff mountain goat droppings?
Well...
[Outro: Lauren Sweetser, Taryn Southern]
Honey, somebody did a stinky, it's got your name on it
Babe, the Real Housewives marathon's about to start
And you'd promised you'd make your vegan ooey gooey bars