[Lyric] If Stuart Could Talk live London 1990 (The Dickies)

LEONARD, DRESSED AS THE DEVIL: This next song is about my faithful servant Leonard's penis!  And his name is Stewart! That’s right!  And when you come to the end of your puny little insignificant post-teenage lives, and the ferryman dangles out his boney appendage, you must be made to answer the question: if Stewart could talk...

I've got a little friend that's with me to the end
What does he say?
I’ll ask him for opinions and political decisions
Each and every day
I know that it's a dream, dirty and obscene anyway

If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
What would hе say, if Stuey could talk to me?

Whenеver I'm alone, I'm really not alone
He's always there
When I am at the altar, and I know I'm gonna falter
But there's not a prayer
I know it's up to him
If I ever sin, there’s a way

If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
Well now, what would he say, if Stuey could talk to me?
Talk to me
What would he say?
What would he say?
What would he say?

[Spoken]
What would he say?
"Yes, my name is Stuart
And I assure you I can speak
And lately I find myself astounded
At the sort of company you keep
One thing further I must mention
Of this fact I cannot understand
Is your insatiable attention
At annoying me with your hand
And in closing may I offer
This point must be succinct
My purpose is for procreation
And not facilitating in the sink"

If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)

If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
If Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
Well, if Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
Well, well, well, if Stuart could talk (what would he say?)
Well, well, well
What would he say, if Stuey could talk to me?
Talk to me
See me
Feel me
Touch me
Stuey

See me
Feel me
Touch me
Stuey

See me
Pull me
Touch me
Stuey
Oh-oh

Listening to Stu, I hear the music
Gazing at Stu, I get the heat
Following Stu, I climb a mountain
I get excitement at your
Yes I do!

Right behind Stu, I hear the music
From Stu I hear the glory
From Stu I get opinions
From Stu I get the story
Listening to Stu, I hear the music
Gazing at Stu, I get the heat
Following Stu, I climb a mountain
I get excitement at your feet

Oh, look out!

[Guitar solo]