[Lyric] Incelebration (The Finer Points)

Hey, heard you were a LOBSTER BOY

I didn’t cry at all on the day I was born
So the midwife wouldn’t spank me

I taught myself through potty training
So Mommy wouldn’t twist my titties

I won first place in the science fair
So Dad wouldn’t beat the shit out of me

I didn’t pop a boner during my presentation (good idea)
So my teacher wouldn’t beat the shit out of me

I got a perfect score on my SATs
So my tutor wouldn’t beat the shit out of me

I graduated college, valedictorian
So Dean Daddy (Dean Daddy?) wouldn’t whack my hands with a ball-peen (Dean Daddy!)

I got a 401K by the age of 30
So my financial advisor wouldn’t chisel my teeth
I got a nicе house with a low interest mortgagе
So my wife wouldn’t rip off my fingernails with pliers

I didn’t cry when my wife gave birth
So the baby’s father wouldn’t slice my nipples

I paid for my kid’s college tuition
So my kids wouldn’t replace my eye drops with drain cleaner

I bought $2000 of Christmas gifts
So my grandson wouldn’t cut the brakes on my mobility scooter

Nobody came to my funeral
So nobody beat the shit out of me

(Fuck you, Dad!)