Song: Irrational Treasure - S1 EP8
Viewed: 60 - Published at: 5 years ago
Artist: Gravity Falls
Year: 2021Viewed: 60 - Published at: 5 years ago
The episode begins with the twins eating Corncornos inside Stan's car. Stan is honking while Mabel attaches nachos from her chip bag to her ears.
Mabel Pines: Ha-ha! Nacho earrings. I'm hilarious!
Stan Pines: That's debatable. Aw, come on, what's with all this traffic? And why is it all...covered wagons? Oh no! No! No! (Pushes gas pedal) Not today! Not today!
A few women gasp in the presence of him nearly running them over. He backs up and begins to drive the car backward.
Dipper Pines: Grunkle Stan, what's going on?
Stan: We gotta get outta hеre. Before it's too latе! (Sees that his car is trapped between a group of covered wagons) They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! Nooooooooo!
Mabel: (Looks outside her window and sees a cow) I've got a good feeling about today.
Cut to the theme song.
The twins and Stan get out of the car and walk around an old-fashioned-looking Main Street.
Dipper: Man. Look at the town. (Holds a postcard up for a second. When he lowers it, the town is a sepia shade, but it is just due to a pane of dirty glass)
Worker: (Walking by, holding one end of the pane of dirty glass) Dirty glass. We got dirty glass! Dirty glass.
Stan: Oh, boy. It's Pioneer Day. Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded.
Toby Determined: Welcome to 1863!
Stan: I will break you, little man!
Toby: Ahh! (Runs away and crashes into a barrel)
Cuts to a view of people doing various activities, panning right. People doing candle dipping.
Mabel: Wow! Look! Candle dipping!
People doing gold panning. Old Man McGucket, who is also gold panning, can be heard in the background, saying "Gold!"
Dipper: Whoa, gold panning!
Priest: (To a man and woodpecker:) I now pronounce you man and wife.
Woodpecker: (Pecks her husband's hand)
Woodpecker guy: I do!
Mabel: Whatchu talking 'bout?
Dipper: Oh yeah. I remember this. (Takes out Journal 3) In Gravity Falls it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers.
Woodpecker guy: Oh, it's still legal. (Puts a hand on his shoulder, where the woodpecker is perched) Very legal. (Walks away as the announcer speaks up)
Announcer: Come one and all for the opening ceremonies!
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you coming?
Stan: No, thank you! Just remember if you come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me.
Dipper: There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!
Mabel: Well hornswabber my haversack!
Dipper and Mabel: (Spit on the ground and run off, laughing)
Stan: Dead to me!
A crowd assembles around a large stage.
Sheriff Blubs: Here-ye, here-ye! Ye olde commencement ceremony is about to commence.
Deputy Durland: (Ringing bell) Woo! I got a bell!
Cut to the audience, where a robber steals an old woman's purse.
Old woman: Oh, no! Police, my purse!
Durland: (Rings bell) Ring ring! Ring ring! Woo!
Blubs: (Chuckles) He sure loves his bell.
Pacifica Northwest: (Comes on stage and taps a microphone) Howdy, everyone! You all know me, Pacifica Northwest, great-great-granddaughter of town-founder, Nathaniel Northwest. I'm also very rich.
The crowd applauds.
Pacifica Now if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you to come on up and introduce yourself.
Mabel: (Gasps) Audience participation!
Dipper: I don't know, Mabel. Isn't that girl kinda like your arch-enemy?
Mabel: That's water under the bridge. (Laughs and runs onstage)
Pacifica: Our first newcomer is... (Sees Mabel; angrily:) Mabel...
Mabel: Yeah! Let's get this Pioneer Day started! Right guys? USA! USA!
Crowd: USA! USA!
America guy: (While crying tears of joy:) USA, USA!
Pacifica: I'm sorry to break it to you, but Pioneer Day is for serious people, and you look and act ridiculous. (Looking at Mabel's sweater) I mean, a puppy playing basketball? Are you always this silly?
Mabel: Hey, I can be serious! (Glares)
Pacifica: You do have nachos hanging from your ears, hon.
Mabel: (Touches her nacho earrings and blushes)
Pacifica: Haha, wow, I'm embarrassed for you. (To the audience:) Give her a hand everybody!
Crowd applauds and Dipper looks worried.
Mabel: (Sadly walks off of the stage)
Pacifica: Now who wants to hear more about me?
Dipper: (To the people standing near him as he makes his way toward Mabel) Excuse me.
Pacifica: (As the Northwest Family lines up for a photo) Everyone say Northwest!
Northwest Family: Northwest!
Camera clicks, taking picture.
Pacifica: (Laughs and tilts head) We're perfect.
Cut to Mabel and Dipper.
Dipper: (To Mabel:) Hey, you okay?
Mabel: I need some old-timey butterscotch.
Cut to Stan in his car, which is stuck in the mud. Steve walks up to him.
Stan: Hey there, uh, donkey boy! Give me a hand with my car, huh?
Steve: Here in 1863, I have never heard-tell of a "car." Pray-tell, what is this magic wheel box?
Stan: Ah, c'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete's sake! Cut me some slack.
Steve: "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold, new expression.
Stan: I can't take this anymore! (Grabs Steve by the collar) I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!
Blubs: (Running up alongside Durland) Are we gonna have to intervene here?
Stan: Oh, look. The "Constable." What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" (Laughs.)
Cut to Stan in stocks.
Stan: Aw, c'mon! (Gideon, wearing old fashioned, nobleman attire, walks by, humming) Hey, nice outfit, Gideon. You actually look less girly than usual.
Gideon Gleeful: Why, Stanford. I'm just a humble tomato farmer, selling his wares. Whoops, I dropped one. (Throws a tomato at Stan's left eye) Whoops, I dropped another one. (Throws a tomato at Stan's right eye)
Stan: Ugh! (Tomatoes still covering his eyes, looks up at sky and screams:) PIONEER DAY!
Cut to the twins sitting near a large statue of Nathaniel Northwest.
Mabel: Dipper, can I ask you something? Do you think I'm silly?
Dipper: Uh, nnnoooo?
Mabel: I knew it! The nacho earrings, the sweater. I thought I was being charming, but I guess people see me as a big joke. (Throws off her nacho earrings, takes off her sweater, and ties her sweater around her waist)
Dipper: C'mon, Mabel, you love that sweater!
Mabel: I did before Pacifica ruined it for me. She ruins everything!
Dipper: (Stands up, turns around, and glares at the statue) Pacifica! Why does she think that being related to the town founder means she can treat everyone like garbage. Someone needs to take her down a peg. (Gasps) Wait a minute! I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great-grandfather before. (Opens Journal 3) Of course! Oh, this is perfect. (In a deep voice:) In my investigations... (Normal voice:) Should- should I do the voice?
Mabel: Nuh-uh.
Dipper: I'll just read... normal. (Reading from journal:) In my investigations, I recently made a discovery. Nathaniel Northwest may not be the true founder of Gravity Falls! I believe this secret is buried somewhere on the enclosed document. If only I could crack the code. (Opens the document, revealing a complex series of letters, symbols and words) Oh, man! If this cover-up is true, it means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud. This could be a major conspiracy!
Mabel: Really?
Dipper: I got to investigate this!
Mabel: Wait! I'm coming with you. Conspiracies are serious, right?
Dipper: Oh yeah, definitely.
Mabel: Well, if I help you crack this code, then nobody could call me silly again!
Dipper: Yeah! Mystery twins?
Mabel: I thought you hated that.
Dipper: I'm starting to accept it.
Dipper and Mabel: (Fist bump and run off)
Blubs: (Behind the statue, into a walkie-talkie:) This is Sheriff Blubs. We've got a code sepia!
Dispatcher: (Spits out coffee) What?! And what are you doing about it?
Blubs: I'm following them right now.
Dispatcher: Find them and stop them. There's no room for error.
Blubs: I understand. Blubs out. (To Durland:) Deputy Durland, maintaining this cover-up is the mission we've been training for our entire careers. Are you ready?
Durland: (Ringing bell) Woo!
Blubs: Hehe, if being delightful was a crime, you'd be breaking the law.
Durland: Let's go get 'em!
Cuts to inside the Gravity Falls Library.
McGucket: Back in the olden days, pioneers drew subsistence from telling stories 'round the fire. So let's eat some books, children! Go ahead, eat the books! (Chews a book)
Dipper: Alright, Mabel, if we can prove Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the real founder of Gravity Falls, it will finally put Pacifica in her place.
Mabel: And solving a mystery will prove that I'm not silly. I'm serious. Seeeeriousss... (Laps up candy from the table into her mouth with her tongue)
Dipper: (Places some slides into a projector) We just need to crack this code. Let me see... it's not Egyptian, it's not numerology, it's not, wait-of course! The triangle is the alchemist symbol for flame. Lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message!
Mabel: It's so obvious!
Dipper Alright, let's just light this sucker up and--- Mabel!
Mabel (Now wearing a hat she made out of the document) Mwop! I just made a hat. Ugh, I just did something silly again. (Blows a raspberry)
Dipper: Wait, Mabel. You folded it into a map! And I was gonna burn it...
Blubs: (To a librarian:) We're on the lookout for two kids who might be reading.
Durland: We're hunting them down for secret reasons! (Rings bell) WOO!
Dipper and Mabel: (Hide under the table.)
Durland: (Knocks row of books off a shelf) DERP!
Dipper: (To Mabel:) Maybe we should take this elsewhere...
Mabel: This map should lead us to... (Cut to the twins standing in front of a museum.) ...The Gravity Falls Museum of History.
Dipper: You realize what this means, Mabel. (Looks up and squints.) We're gonna have to break in.
Dramatic music plays. Cut to Dipper and Mabel inside the museum at the entrance.
Sue: ...And here are your free Pioneer Day passes, and your balloons, blue and pink. (Hands them balloons)
Dramatic music plays.
Dipper: (Still looking up and squinting) We're in.
Mabel: (Walking through museum) What are we gonna do next, steal Thomas Jefferson's rib cage?
Dipper: Ewww, no. According to the map, the next clue about the real town founder should be right... here!
A triangular exhibition piece is mounted on the wall.
Dipper: We've gotta figure this one out quick, I have a feeling those cops weren't at the library to check out books...
Mabel: I don't think the one with the bell can read...
Dipper: So what is it anyway?
The twins analyze the exhibit.
Both: Hmmmm...
Mabel gets bored and walks over to a bench to sit down.
Mabel: (Walks over to a bench and sits down; turning upside-down on the bench) Hey painting, be less stupid! (Gasps) It worked!
Dipper: Huh? (Runs over and lays upside-down on the bench) Wait! It's not abstract, it's upside-down!
Mabel: I think I've seen that statue at the cemetery.
Dipper: Let's go! Quick!
Both: (Stand up and get dizzy, holding their heads) Ow.
Dipper: Head rush.
Sue: (To Deputy Durland:) I'm sorry, but we're all out of pink balloons.
Durland: (Disappointed:) Why did we even come?
Dispatcher: (Over walkie-talkie:) Officer Blubs.
Blubs: (Runs into the museum so that they're out of earshot; using walkie-talkie:) Blubs here.
Dispatcher: Have the targets been apprehended?
Blubs: Negative, but we're close. I promise, those kids'll never get past us.
Dipper and Mabel: (Run past them)
Blubs: Hey! Wait!
Blubs and Durland chase the kids out of the museum but get stuck in the door.
Blubs: Dang it!
Cut to the Woodpecker and husband's house.
Woodpecker guy: For the last time, we are not going south for the winter! Our home is here!
Woodpecker: (Pecks the table)
Woodpecker guy: You always say that! (Storms out of the house)
Stan: (Struggling to get out of the stocks, trying to unlock the lock with a hairpin in his mouth) C'mon! C'mon, ugh! (Drops pin)
Pacifica: (Picks up the pin) Well, if it isn't Mabel's uncle, Mr. Pines. Looking for this? (Holds up the pin)
Stan: Yeah, yeah. What d' ya want, money?
Pacifica: I want you to say that the Northwest family is the best family in Gravity Falls.
Stan: Oh sure, you want that in writing?
Pacifica: (Gives Stan a pen and let him writes something on a note with his mouth)
Stan: There you go. (The note says "YOU STINK!") Ha! I did that with my mouth!
Pacifica: (Whistles, catching the attention of people with tomatoes, and points to Stan)
Stan: Aw, come on!
Cuts to Dipper and Mabel in the cemetery. Dipper is looking at the statue that is pointing off in the distance.
Dipper: Ah... The statue must be pointing to the next clue. (Looks in direction statue is pointing but then turns back when Mabel speaks up)
Mabel: (The finger of the statue sticking in her nose) Oh, gross! She's picking my nose! Ha ha! (The tip of the statue's finger bends upward, opening a secret door in the grave) Ach.
Dipper: Mabel, look!
Mabel: Ha! Who's silly now, Pacifica? Bam! (Tries to jump down from statue but her nose is still there so the finger tugs on her nose) Ahh! Ow. Ow. Ow. (Getting down from the statue) Okay. Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode. I feel serious. Mmm. (Eats candy)
Dipper: Okay, look out for booby traps.
Mabel: Ha! Booby traps. (Steps on a tile that triggers a bunch of darts to fly out of the wall towards her and Dipper)
Dipper: Tranquilizer darts! (Grabs Mabel's hand and maneuvers through the darts)
Mabel: Aah!
They dodge the darts and fall down a path that leads them to a small setup filled with confidential, historical information.
Mabel: It's a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things. (Picks up a top-secret document. The first page is about the secret of Abraham Lincoln's hat and shows a picture of Lincoln in his top hat in one picture, and him without his top hat, with a hand sticking out of the top of his head, in the other. Mabel looks at the next page, where there is a picture of Benjamin Franklin wearing earrings, and the sub-caption says that he was secretly a woman) Oh, man! Ben Franklin secretly was a woman!
Dipper: (Finding and picking up a document titled "Northwest Cover-up") Hey, jackpot! Now we'll find out who the real town founder was. (Reading from document:) "Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was, in fact, a fraud...as well as a waste-shoveling village idiot"? (Laughs) Oh, bad news for Pacifica. Wait'll the papers hear about this!
Mabel: Once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, they can never call me silly!
Dipper: (Reading from document:) "The true founder of Gravity Falls was sir lord, Quentin Trembley, III, Esquire."
Mabel: Who's Quentin Trembley?
Blubs: That's none of your business!
Durland: Whoo! We gotcha! Whoo! (Weakly:) Whoo! Hmm whoo-hoo. (Passes out. Several tranquilizer darts are sticking out of his back and head)
Blubs: He got hit with quite a few of those darts.
Commercial break
Blubs: But Quentin Trembley's a matter of national security.
Durland: Yeah! Ye--ah (Puts hands on knees) woo. I think I might be colorblind now.
Dipper: What do you mean, "national security?"
Mabel: And who is Quentin Trembley, anyway?
Blubs: See for yourself. (Removes hat and takes out a reel of film. He puts it into a projector, and the projection screen shows a countdown in black and white)
Mabel: Aww, it's black and white?!
Dipper: Shh! Mabel.
The reel starts, revealing a government official in an office.
Govt. official: If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as the filming is complete. (Looks offscreen) --What? No? Ho! Well, that's a relief! (Looks back at the camera) Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley: The eighth-and-a-half president of the United States.
Dipper and Mabel: President?
Mabel: Eighth-and-a-half?
Govt. official: After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, (On the video, a picture of Quentin Trembley standing next to the other presidential candidates is shown. A landslide kills the other candidates) Quentin Trembley quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president.
He waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the supreme court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation. His state of the union speech was even worse.
Trembley: (reenacted recording) The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!
Govt. official: He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed. Trembley's shameful term was erased from history and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as President and local nobody Nathaniel Northwest as founder of Gravity Falls. The whereabouts of president Trembley's body are unknown.
Blubs: Until now.
Cut to Quentin Trembley, who is encased in an amber-colored rectangle.
Dipper: Whoa! Is that, like, amber or something?
Blubs: The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle. Smooth move, Mr. President! Finding Trembley's body was our special mission. And now, thanks to you, it's complete.
Durland: Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's (Holds up one of Mabel's candy wrappers) trail of candy wrappers?
Mabel: Ugh, (Face-palms) silly!
Blubs: Now that you know the truth, well, we can't let you go around talkin' about it.
Dipper: Does that mean--?
Mabel: Are you going to kill us?!
Durland: OH NO!
Blubs: No, no. (To Durland:) Calm down now, buddy, calm down. (To the twins:) We're just gonna escort you and all this stuff back to Washington. You ain't comin' back, by the way.
Cut to the inside of a train
Durland: (Unfolds fold-out bed) Woo-hoo! We got fold-out beds!
Blubs: (Opens suitcase and pulls out a book) Good thing I brought my book of spooky ghost stories!
Durland: (Takes out colored rope) I brought rope for friendship bracelets!
Cut to Dipper and Mabel who are trapped in a crate with Quentin Trembley's body.
Mabel: Anyone there?! Help help help!
Dipper: Hey! Let us out!
Mabel: Oh. I can't believe I left a trail of candy wrappers. This is all my fault. Pacifica had me pegged all along. I'm just a silly failure, like that embarrassing president what's-his-name. (Eats piece of peanut brittle, breaking the block and freeing Trembley)
Dipper and Mabel: Aahh!
Trembley: It is I, Quentin Trembley. (Rips off pants)
Dipper: You're alive! But how?
Mabel: Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties! You're not silly, you're brilliant!
Trembley: And so are you, dear girl, for following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!
Dipper: He's right! Making maps into hats, hanging upside-down; Your silliness solved the code that serious cops couldn't crack in a hundred years!
Mabel: Oh, stop it.
Trembley: By Jefferson! We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box.
Mabel: It's a crate, Mr. President.
Trembley: (Pulls out key) Good thing I have the President's Key, which can open any lock in America! (Repeatedly slams it at the side of the crate)
Dipper: I... don't think that's gonna work.
Trembley: Wood! My age-old enemy. In order to get out of here, this is going to take the silliest plan ever conceived.
Dipper: I think I know who can help you. (Smiles at Mabel)
Mabel: Hmm. How 'bout... that hole? (Points to a tiny hole near the corner of the crate)
Trembley: We will leap through it!
Trembley and Mabel: (Jump at the hole)
Trembley: (To Mabel, who's poking her finger through hole and moving it around:) Almost. Almost there Good! Keep pushing.
Dipper: I'm not sure this is working.
Mabel: Trust... the silliness!
Trembley: Fiddlesticks! Keep going!
A woodpecker flies in and pecks at the crate, making a tapping noise.
Trembley: Is that my third wife? Sandy?
The box falls apart.
Trembley: Well, we didn't fit through the hole. Let's rebuild the box and try again!
Dipper: We gotta get out of here!
Trembley: Also good!
Dipper opens a door in the train and Durland, who is getting ice, sees the three of them and drops the bucket of ice.
Durland: Blubs!
Dipper, Mabel, and Trembley run away. They climb up a ladder to get to the emergency escape. Trembley pulls out his key and starts pressing it against the door even though there's no lock.
Dipper: (Taking the key from Trembley) Give me that! (Turns the handle and they all run out onto the roof of the train, followed by Blubs and Durland)
Blubs: There (Huffs) is (Huffs) no (Huffs) escape! I gotta take a knee.
Durland: Are you okay? Can I get you anything?
Blubs: Edwin, darlin', you are a diamond in the rough.
Dipper: Sheriff Blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?
Blubs: I've got no choice! Our orders come from the very top!
Dipper: Wait! Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?
Trembley: No, sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window.
Dipper: Then... technically you're still legally the President of the United States, right? (To Blubs and Durland:) You've gotta answer to this guy now!
Blubs and Durland: Huh?
Trembley: As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened. And- and go on a delightful vacation. (As the train goes by he hits his head on a metal rail) Ow! Mmm, yeeees!
Blubs: Vacation? (To Durland:) What place have you always wanted to visit? One, two--
Blubs and Durland: Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan!
Cut to Dipper, Mabel, and Trembley outside of the train. Durling and Blubs are on the train wearing Hawaiian shirts and wave to the three as the train departs.
Blubs and Durland: Bye-bye! Bye!
Trembley: (Once the train is gone, he gets to a knee and looks at Mabel) You've done a great service to your country, Mabel. As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U.S. congressman. (Unfolds a black top-hat and hands it to Mabel)
Mabel: (Puts on hat) I'm legalizing everything!
Trembley: (To Dipper:) And Roderick,
Dipper: Uh- actually- uh-
Trembley: You dear boy are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So I'd like you to have my President's Key!
Cut to Trembley and the twins later on, back in Gravity Falls. Trembley is telling a story.
Trembley: And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for, like, three hours. Bottom line, George Washington was a jerk.
Mabel: A-greed!
Cut to Pacifica and her friends watching girls run around a small maypole.
Smabble: (Trips, but saves herself so that she doesn't fall onto the ground) Oh!
Pacifica: (To her friends:) Kick her off the team.
Pacifica's friends walk away to do as she said. Mabel approaches Pacifica.
Mabel: Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth-and-a-half president of the United States! Who's silly now?
Pacifica: What? Who is that idiot?
Cut to Trembley, who has his fists up and is chasing after a bald eagle.
Trembley: Put up your dukes, you bald fiend!
Cut back to Mabel and Pacifica.
Mabel: The eighth-and-a-half president of America. How is he still alive? Well, turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle and it--
Pacifica: (Bursts out into laughter) Wow! You really are a sad, dumb little girl. Nice top hat, by the way.
Preston and Priscilla Northwest laugh mockingly.
Preston Northwest: (Laughs) Good one, daughter.
Pacifica: Ooh! I see your car is stuck in the mud. (Gets into sedan) Enjoy walking home!
Dipper: (To Mabel:) Aren't you gonna tell her about her ate-gray ampa-gray?
Mabel: You know what, Dipper? I've got nothing to prove. I've learned to see silly as awesome!
Dipper: Well, I haven't learned anything! (Whistles) Hey, Pacifica!
Dipper runs to the Northwests' sedan. The car stops and Dipper hands Pacifica the documents on the Northwest cover-up through the window.
Dipper: Nathaniel Northwest didn't found Gravity Falls, and your whole family is a sham. Deal with it.
Car drives away, and Pacifica looks out the back window, shocked.
Pacifica: What?! Moooom!!!
Dipper: (Now back at Mabel's side) Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!
Trembley: Children, I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I'll always be right here... (Pulls out bill) On the negative twelve dollar bill. (Hands Dipper bill)
Dipper: (Examines bill) Whoa. This is worthless.
Trembley: It's less than worthless, my boy. Trembley away!
Trembley jumps backwards onto a horse and rides away.
Mabel: Where do you think he's going?
Dipper: I'm gonna say... off a cliff.
Cut to Stan, who is telling the twins the story of his imprisonment.
Stan: And then Soos came by and talked to me for like, an hour.
Mabel: You've been through so much.
Dipper: (Uses President's key to unlock the lock on the stocks and freeing Stan) It works!
Stan: (To Mabel:) So what's with the top hat?
Mabel: I am a congressman.
Stan: Pardon me?
Mabel: You are officially pardoned.
Dipper and Mabel laugh, to Stan's befuddlement.
Stan: Oy! You a never gonna make sense, are you, kid?
Mabel: No, I'm not, Grunkle Stan. No, I'm not. Mabel, away! (Jumps backward)
Crashing sound.
Mabel: I'm okay!
Cut to end tag. Trembley is in a courtroom talking to babies with mustaches wearing top hats.
Trembley: Esteemed gentlemen of the Supreme Court of the United States, I implore you to rethink your decision!
The babies sit there making cooing noises.
Trembley: Very well. But who would you have replaced me?
Baby: Mama.
Trembley: That old crone?!
Baby: Ba ba ba...
Trembley: Chief Justice Num-Num, y-you're spitting up on yourself! Now ohh! Oh, come on! This is a courtroom! I... this... this is a dark day for America.
Mabel Pines: Ha-ha! Nacho earrings. I'm hilarious!
Stan Pines: That's debatable. Aw, come on, what's with all this traffic? And why is it all...covered wagons? Oh no! No! No! (Pushes gas pedal) Not today! Not today!
A few women gasp in the presence of him nearly running them over. He backs up and begins to drive the car backward.
Dipper Pines: Grunkle Stan, what's going on?
Stan: We gotta get outta hеre. Before it's too latе! (Sees that his car is trapped between a group of covered wagons) They've circled the wagons! We're trapped! Nooooooooo!
Mabel: (Looks outside her window and sees a cow) I've got a good feeling about today.
Cut to the theme song.
The twins and Stan get out of the car and walk around an old-fashioned-looking Main Street.
Dipper: Man. Look at the town. (Holds a postcard up for a second. When he lowers it, the town is a sepia shade, but it is just due to a pane of dirty glass)
Worker: (Walking by, holding one end of the pane of dirty glass) Dirty glass. We got dirty glass! Dirty glass.
Stan: Oh, boy. It's Pioneer Day. Every year these yahoos dress up like idiots to celebrate the day Gravity Falls was founded.
Toby Determined: Welcome to 1863!
Stan: I will break you, little man!
Toby: Ahh! (Runs away and crashes into a barrel)
Cuts to a view of people doing various activities, panning right. People doing candle dipping.
Mabel: Wow! Look! Candle dipping!
People doing gold panning. Old Man McGucket, who is also gold panning, can be heard in the background, saying "Gold!"
Dipper: Whoa, gold panning!
Priest: (To a man and woodpecker:) I now pronounce you man and wife.
Woodpecker: (Pecks her husband's hand)
Woodpecker guy: I do!
Mabel: Whatchu talking 'bout?
Dipper: Oh yeah. I remember this. (Takes out Journal 3) In Gravity Falls it used to be legal to marry woodpeckers.
Woodpecker guy: Oh, it's still legal. (Puts a hand on his shoulder, where the woodpecker is perched) Very legal. (Walks away as the announcer speaks up)
Announcer: Come one and all for the opening ceremonies!
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you coming?
Stan: No, thank you! Just remember if you come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me.
Dipper: There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar!
Mabel: Well hornswabber my haversack!
Dipper and Mabel: (Spit on the ground and run off, laughing)
Stan: Dead to me!
A crowd assembles around a large stage.
Sheriff Blubs: Here-ye, here-ye! Ye olde commencement ceremony is about to commence.
Deputy Durland: (Ringing bell) Woo! I got a bell!
Cut to the audience, where a robber steals an old woman's purse.
Old woman: Oh, no! Police, my purse!
Durland: (Rings bell) Ring ring! Ring ring! Woo!
Blubs: (Chuckles) He sure loves his bell.
Pacifica Northwest: (Comes on stage and taps a microphone) Howdy, everyone! You all know me, Pacifica Northwest, great-great-granddaughter of town-founder, Nathaniel Northwest. I'm also very rich.
The crowd applauds.
Pacifica Now if you've got the pioneer spirit, we ask you to come on up and introduce yourself.
Mabel: (Gasps) Audience participation!
Dipper: I don't know, Mabel. Isn't that girl kinda like your arch-enemy?
Mabel: That's water under the bridge. (Laughs and runs onstage)
Pacifica: Our first newcomer is... (Sees Mabel; angrily:) Mabel...
Mabel: Yeah! Let's get this Pioneer Day started! Right guys? USA! USA!
Crowd: USA! USA!
America guy: (While crying tears of joy:) USA, USA!
Pacifica: I'm sorry to break it to you, but Pioneer Day is for serious people, and you look and act ridiculous. (Looking at Mabel's sweater) I mean, a puppy playing basketball? Are you always this silly?
Mabel: Hey, I can be serious! (Glares)
Pacifica: You do have nachos hanging from your ears, hon.
Mabel: (Touches her nacho earrings and blushes)
Pacifica: Haha, wow, I'm embarrassed for you. (To the audience:) Give her a hand everybody!
Crowd applauds and Dipper looks worried.
Mabel: (Sadly walks off of the stage)
Pacifica: Now who wants to hear more about me?
Dipper: (To the people standing near him as he makes his way toward Mabel) Excuse me.
Pacifica: (As the Northwest Family lines up for a photo) Everyone say Northwest!
Northwest Family: Northwest!
Camera clicks, taking picture.
Pacifica: (Laughs and tilts head) We're perfect.
Cut to Mabel and Dipper.
Dipper: (To Mabel:) Hey, you okay?
Mabel: I need some old-timey butterscotch.
Cut to Stan in his car, which is stuck in the mud. Steve walks up to him.
Stan: Hey there, uh, donkey boy! Give me a hand with my car, huh?
Steve: Here in 1863, I have never heard-tell of a "car." Pray-tell, what is this magic wheel box?
Stan: Ah, c'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete's sake! Cut me some slack.
Steve: "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold, new expression.
Stan: I can't take this anymore! (Grabs Steve by the collar) I'm getting dumber every second I'm here!
Blubs: (Running up alongside Durland) Are we gonna have to intervene here?
Stan: Oh, look. The "Constable." What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" (Laughs.)
Cut to Stan in stocks.
Stan: Aw, c'mon! (Gideon, wearing old fashioned, nobleman attire, walks by, humming) Hey, nice outfit, Gideon. You actually look less girly than usual.
Gideon Gleeful: Why, Stanford. I'm just a humble tomato farmer, selling his wares. Whoops, I dropped one. (Throws a tomato at Stan's left eye) Whoops, I dropped another one. (Throws a tomato at Stan's right eye)
Stan: Ugh! (Tomatoes still covering his eyes, looks up at sky and screams:) PIONEER DAY!
Cut to the twins sitting near a large statue of Nathaniel Northwest.
Mabel: Dipper, can I ask you something? Do you think I'm silly?
Dipper: Uh, nnnoooo?
Mabel: I knew it! The nacho earrings, the sweater. I thought I was being charming, but I guess people see me as a big joke. (Throws off her nacho earrings, takes off her sweater, and ties her sweater around her waist)
Dipper: C'mon, Mabel, you love that sweater!
Mabel: I did before Pacifica ruined it for me. She ruins everything!
Dipper: (Stands up, turns around, and glares at the statue) Pacifica! Why does she think that being related to the town founder means she can treat everyone like garbage. Someone needs to take her down a peg. (Gasps) Wait a minute! I feel like I read something about Pacifica's great-great-grandfather before. (Opens Journal 3) Of course! Oh, this is perfect. (In a deep voice:) In my investigations... (Normal voice:) Should- should I do the voice?
Mabel: Nuh-uh.
Dipper: I'll just read... normal. (Reading from journal:) In my investigations, I recently made a discovery. Nathaniel Northwest may not be the true founder of Gravity Falls! I believe this secret is buried somewhere on the enclosed document. If only I could crack the code. (Opens the document, revealing a complex series of letters, symbols and words) Oh, man! If this cover-up is true, it means Pacifica's whole family is a fraud. This could be a major conspiracy!
Mabel: Really?
Dipper: I got to investigate this!
Mabel: Wait! I'm coming with you. Conspiracies are serious, right?
Dipper: Oh yeah, definitely.
Mabel: Well, if I help you crack this code, then nobody could call me silly again!
Dipper: Yeah! Mystery twins?
Mabel: I thought you hated that.
Dipper: I'm starting to accept it.
Dipper and Mabel: (Fist bump and run off)
Blubs: (Behind the statue, into a walkie-talkie:) This is Sheriff Blubs. We've got a code sepia!
Dispatcher: (Spits out coffee) What?! And what are you doing about it?
Blubs: I'm following them right now.
Dispatcher: Find them and stop them. There's no room for error.
Blubs: I understand. Blubs out. (To Durland:) Deputy Durland, maintaining this cover-up is the mission we've been training for our entire careers. Are you ready?
Durland: (Ringing bell) Woo!
Blubs: Hehe, if being delightful was a crime, you'd be breaking the law.
Durland: Let's go get 'em!
Cuts to inside the Gravity Falls Library.
McGucket: Back in the olden days, pioneers drew subsistence from telling stories 'round the fire. So let's eat some books, children! Go ahead, eat the books! (Chews a book)
Dipper: Alright, Mabel, if we can prove Nathaniel Northwest wasn't the real founder of Gravity Falls, it will finally put Pacifica in her place.
Mabel: And solving a mystery will prove that I'm not silly. I'm serious. Seeeeriousss... (Laps up candy from the table into her mouth with her tongue)
Dipper: (Places some slides into a projector) We just need to crack this code. Let me see... it's not Egyptian, it's not numerology, it's not, wait-of course! The triangle is the alchemist symbol for flame. Lighting the parchment on fire will reveal the secret message!
Mabel: It's so obvious!
Dipper Alright, let's just light this sucker up and--- Mabel!
Mabel (Now wearing a hat she made out of the document) Mwop! I just made a hat. Ugh, I just did something silly again. (Blows a raspberry)
Dipper: Wait, Mabel. You folded it into a map! And I was gonna burn it...
Blubs: (To a librarian:) We're on the lookout for two kids who might be reading.
Durland: We're hunting them down for secret reasons! (Rings bell) WOO!
Dipper and Mabel: (Hide under the table.)
Durland: (Knocks row of books off a shelf) DERP!
Dipper: (To Mabel:) Maybe we should take this elsewhere...
Mabel: This map should lead us to... (Cut to the twins standing in front of a museum.) ...The Gravity Falls Museum of History.
Dipper: You realize what this means, Mabel. (Looks up and squints.) We're gonna have to break in.
Dramatic music plays. Cut to Dipper and Mabel inside the museum at the entrance.
Sue: ...And here are your free Pioneer Day passes, and your balloons, blue and pink. (Hands them balloons)
Dramatic music plays.
Dipper: (Still looking up and squinting) We're in.
Mabel: (Walking through museum) What are we gonna do next, steal Thomas Jefferson's rib cage?
Dipper: Ewww, no. According to the map, the next clue about the real town founder should be right... here!
A triangular exhibition piece is mounted on the wall.
Dipper: We've gotta figure this one out quick, I have a feeling those cops weren't at the library to check out books...
Mabel: I don't think the one with the bell can read...
Dipper: So what is it anyway?
The twins analyze the exhibit.
Both: Hmmmm...
Mabel gets bored and walks over to a bench to sit down.
Mabel: (Walks over to a bench and sits down; turning upside-down on the bench) Hey painting, be less stupid! (Gasps) It worked!
Dipper: Huh? (Runs over and lays upside-down on the bench) Wait! It's not abstract, it's upside-down!
Mabel: I think I've seen that statue at the cemetery.
Dipper: Let's go! Quick!
Both: (Stand up and get dizzy, holding their heads) Ow.
Dipper: Head rush.
Sue: (To Deputy Durland:) I'm sorry, but we're all out of pink balloons.
Durland: (Disappointed:) Why did we even come?
Dispatcher: (Over walkie-talkie:) Officer Blubs.
Blubs: (Runs into the museum so that they're out of earshot; using walkie-talkie:) Blubs here.
Dispatcher: Have the targets been apprehended?
Blubs: Negative, but we're close. I promise, those kids'll never get past us.
Dipper and Mabel: (Run past them)
Blubs: Hey! Wait!
Blubs and Durland chase the kids out of the museum but get stuck in the door.
Blubs: Dang it!
Cut to the Woodpecker and husband's house.
Woodpecker guy: For the last time, we are not going south for the winter! Our home is here!
Woodpecker: (Pecks the table)
Woodpecker guy: You always say that! (Storms out of the house)
Stan: (Struggling to get out of the stocks, trying to unlock the lock with a hairpin in his mouth) C'mon! C'mon, ugh! (Drops pin)
Pacifica: (Picks up the pin) Well, if it isn't Mabel's uncle, Mr. Pines. Looking for this? (Holds up the pin)
Stan: Yeah, yeah. What d' ya want, money?
Pacifica: I want you to say that the Northwest family is the best family in Gravity Falls.
Stan: Oh sure, you want that in writing?
Pacifica: (Gives Stan a pen and let him writes something on a note with his mouth)
Stan: There you go. (The note says "YOU STINK!") Ha! I did that with my mouth!
Pacifica: (Whistles, catching the attention of people with tomatoes, and points to Stan)
Stan: Aw, come on!
Cuts to Dipper and Mabel in the cemetery. Dipper is looking at the statue that is pointing off in the distance.
Dipper: Ah... The statue must be pointing to the next clue. (Looks in direction statue is pointing but then turns back when Mabel speaks up)
Mabel: (The finger of the statue sticking in her nose) Oh, gross! She's picking my nose! Ha ha! (The tip of the statue's finger bends upward, opening a secret door in the grave) Ach.
Dipper: Mabel, look!
Mabel: Ha! Who's silly now, Pacifica? Bam! (Tries to jump down from statue but her nose is still there so the finger tugs on her nose) Ahh! Ow. Ow. Ow. (Getting down from the statue) Okay. Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode. I feel serious. Mmm. (Eats candy)
Dipper: Okay, look out for booby traps.
Mabel: Ha! Booby traps. (Steps on a tile that triggers a bunch of darts to fly out of the wall towards her and Dipper)
Dipper: Tranquilizer darts! (Grabs Mabel's hand and maneuvers through the darts)
Mabel: Aah!
They dodge the darts and fall down a path that leads them to a small setup filled with confidential, historical information.
Mabel: It's a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things. (Picks up a top-secret document. The first page is about the secret of Abraham Lincoln's hat and shows a picture of Lincoln in his top hat in one picture, and him without his top hat, with a hand sticking out of the top of his head, in the other. Mabel looks at the next page, where there is a picture of Benjamin Franklin wearing earrings, and the sub-caption says that he was secretly a woman) Oh, man! Ben Franklin secretly was a woman!
Dipper: (Finding and picking up a document titled "Northwest Cover-up") Hey, jackpot! Now we'll find out who the real town founder was. (Reading from document:) "Let it be here recorded that Nathaniel Northwest, fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was, in fact, a fraud...as well as a waste-shoveling village idiot"? (Laughs) Oh, bad news for Pacifica. Wait'll the papers hear about this!
Mabel: Once people see that I uncovered a historical conspiracy, they can never call me silly!
Dipper: (Reading from document:) "The true founder of Gravity Falls was sir lord, Quentin Trembley, III, Esquire."
Mabel: Who's Quentin Trembley?
Blubs: That's none of your business!
Durland: Whoo! We gotcha! Whoo! (Weakly:) Whoo! Hmm whoo-hoo. (Passes out. Several tranquilizer darts are sticking out of his back and head)
Blubs: He got hit with quite a few of those darts.
Commercial break
Blubs: But Quentin Trembley's a matter of national security.
Durland: Yeah! Ye--ah (Puts hands on knees) woo. I think I might be colorblind now.
Dipper: What do you mean, "national security?"
Mabel: And who is Quentin Trembley, anyway?
Blubs: See for yourself. (Removes hat and takes out a reel of film. He puts it into a projector, and the projection screen shows a countdown in black and white)
Mabel: Aww, it's black and white?!
Dipper: Shh! Mabel.
The reel starts, revealing a government official in an office.
Govt. official: If you're watching this, then you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as the filming is complete. (Looks offscreen) --What? No? Ho! Well, that's a relief! (Looks back at the camera) Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembley: The eighth-and-a-half president of the United States.
Dipper and Mabel: President?
Mabel: Eighth-and-a-half?
Govt. official: After winning the 1837 election in a landslide, (On the video, a picture of Quentin Trembley standing next to the other presidential candidates is shown. A landslide kills the other candidates) Quentin Trembley quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president.
He waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the supreme court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation. His state of the union speech was even worse.
Trembley: (reenacted recording) The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!
Govt. official: He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed. Trembley's shameful term was erased from history and officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as President and local nobody Nathaniel Northwest as founder of Gravity Falls. The whereabouts of president Trembley's body are unknown.
Blubs: Until now.
Cut to Quentin Trembley, who is encased in an amber-colored rectangle.
Dipper: Whoa! Is that, like, amber or something?
Blubs: The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle. Smooth move, Mr. President! Finding Trembley's body was our special mission. And now, thanks to you, it's complete.
Durland: Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's (Holds up one of Mabel's candy wrappers) trail of candy wrappers?
Mabel: Ugh, (Face-palms) silly!
Blubs: Now that you know the truth, well, we can't let you go around talkin' about it.
Dipper: Does that mean--?
Mabel: Are you going to kill us?!
Durland: OH NO!
Blubs: No, no. (To Durland:) Calm down now, buddy, calm down. (To the twins:) We're just gonna escort you and all this stuff back to Washington. You ain't comin' back, by the way.
Cut to the inside of a train
Durland: (Unfolds fold-out bed) Woo-hoo! We got fold-out beds!
Blubs: (Opens suitcase and pulls out a book) Good thing I brought my book of spooky ghost stories!
Durland: (Takes out colored rope) I brought rope for friendship bracelets!
Cut to Dipper and Mabel who are trapped in a crate with Quentin Trembley's body.
Mabel: Anyone there?! Help help help!
Dipper: Hey! Let us out!
Mabel: Oh. I can't believe I left a trail of candy wrappers. This is all my fault. Pacifica had me pegged all along. I'm just a silly failure, like that embarrassing president what's-his-name. (Eats piece of peanut brittle, breaking the block and freeing Trembley)
Dipper and Mabel: Aahh!
Trembley: It is I, Quentin Trembley. (Rips off pants)
Dipper: You're alive! But how?
Mabel: Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties! You're not silly, you're brilliant!
Trembley: And so are you, dear girl, for following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!
Dipper: He's right! Making maps into hats, hanging upside-down; Your silliness solved the code that serious cops couldn't crack in a hundred years!
Mabel: Oh, stop it.
Trembley: By Jefferson! We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box.
Mabel: It's a crate, Mr. President.
Trembley: (Pulls out key) Good thing I have the President's Key, which can open any lock in America! (Repeatedly slams it at the side of the crate)
Dipper: I... don't think that's gonna work.
Trembley: Wood! My age-old enemy. In order to get out of here, this is going to take the silliest plan ever conceived.
Dipper: I think I know who can help you. (Smiles at Mabel)
Mabel: Hmm. How 'bout... that hole? (Points to a tiny hole near the corner of the crate)
Trembley: We will leap through it!
Trembley and Mabel: (Jump at the hole)
Trembley: (To Mabel, who's poking her finger through hole and moving it around:) Almost. Almost there Good! Keep pushing.
Dipper: I'm not sure this is working.
Mabel: Trust... the silliness!
Trembley: Fiddlesticks! Keep going!
A woodpecker flies in and pecks at the crate, making a tapping noise.
Trembley: Is that my third wife? Sandy?
The box falls apart.
Trembley: Well, we didn't fit through the hole. Let's rebuild the box and try again!
Dipper: We gotta get out of here!
Trembley: Also good!
Dipper opens a door in the train and Durland, who is getting ice, sees the three of them and drops the bucket of ice.
Durland: Blubs!
Dipper, Mabel, and Trembley run away. They climb up a ladder to get to the emergency escape. Trembley pulls out his key and starts pressing it against the door even though there's no lock.
Dipper: (Taking the key from Trembley) Give me that! (Turns the handle and they all run out onto the roof of the train, followed by Blubs and Durland)
Blubs: There (Huffs) is (Huffs) no (Huffs) escape! I gotta take a knee.
Durland: Are you okay? Can I get you anything?
Blubs: Edwin, darlin', you are a diamond in the rough.
Dipper: Sheriff Blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?
Blubs: I've got no choice! Our orders come from the very top!
Dipper: Wait! Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?
Trembley: No, sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window.
Dipper: Then... technically you're still legally the President of the United States, right? (To Blubs and Durland:) You've gotta answer to this guy now!
Blubs and Durland: Huh?
Trembley: As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend none of this ever happened. And- and go on a delightful vacation. (As the train goes by he hits his head on a metal rail) Ow! Mmm, yeeees!
Blubs: Vacation? (To Durland:) What place have you always wanted to visit? One, two--
Blubs and Durland: Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan!
Cut to Dipper, Mabel, and Trembley outside of the train. Durling and Blubs are on the train wearing Hawaiian shirts and wave to the three as the train departs.
Blubs and Durland: Bye-bye! Bye!
Trembley: (Once the train is gone, he gets to a knee and looks at Mabel) You've done a great service to your country, Mabel. As thanks, I'd like to make you an official U.S. congressman. (Unfolds a black top-hat and hands it to Mabel)
Mabel: (Puts on hat) I'm legalizing everything!
Trembley: (To Dipper:) And Roderick,
Dipper: Uh- actually- uh-
Trembley: You dear boy are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So I'd like you to have my President's Key!
Cut to Trembley and the twins later on, back in Gravity Falls. Trembley is telling a story.
Trembley: And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for, like, three hours. Bottom line, George Washington was a jerk.
Mabel: A-greed!
Cut to Pacifica and her friends watching girls run around a small maypole.
Smabble: (Trips, but saves herself so that she doesn't fall onto the ground) Oh!
Pacifica: (To her friends:) Kick her off the team.
Pacifica's friends walk away to do as she said. Mabel approaches Pacifica.
Mabel: Hey, Pacifica! I uncovered a government conspiracy about the eighth-and-a-half president of the United States! Who's silly now?
Pacifica: What? Who is that idiot?
Cut to Trembley, who has his fists up and is chasing after a bald eagle.
Trembley: Put up your dukes, you bald fiend!
Cut back to Mabel and Pacifica.
Mabel: The eighth-and-a-half president of America. How is he still alive? Well, turns out you can hibernate in peanut brittle and it--
Pacifica: (Bursts out into laughter) Wow! You really are a sad, dumb little girl. Nice top hat, by the way.
Preston and Priscilla Northwest laugh mockingly.
Preston Northwest: (Laughs) Good one, daughter.
Pacifica: Ooh! I see your car is stuck in the mud. (Gets into sedan) Enjoy walking home!
Dipper: (To Mabel:) Aren't you gonna tell her about her ate-gray ampa-gray?
Mabel: You know what, Dipper? I've got nothing to prove. I've learned to see silly as awesome!
Dipper: Well, I haven't learned anything! (Whistles) Hey, Pacifica!
Dipper runs to the Northwests' sedan. The car stops and Dipper hands Pacifica the documents on the Northwest cover-up through the window.
Dipper: Nathaniel Northwest didn't found Gravity Falls, and your whole family is a sham. Deal with it.
Car drives away, and Pacifica looks out the back window, shocked.
Pacifica: What?! Moooom!!!
Dipper: (Now back at Mabel's side) Man, revenge is underrated. That felt awesome!
Trembley: Children, I am needed elsewhere. Just know that I'll always be right here... (Pulls out bill) On the negative twelve dollar bill. (Hands Dipper bill)
Dipper: (Examines bill) Whoa. This is worthless.
Trembley: It's less than worthless, my boy. Trembley away!
Trembley jumps backwards onto a horse and rides away.
Mabel: Where do you think he's going?
Dipper: I'm gonna say... off a cliff.
Cut to Stan, who is telling the twins the story of his imprisonment.
Stan: And then Soos came by and talked to me for like, an hour.
Mabel: You've been through so much.
Dipper: (Uses President's key to unlock the lock on the stocks and freeing Stan) It works!
Stan: (To Mabel:) So what's with the top hat?
Mabel: I am a congressman.
Stan: Pardon me?
Mabel: You are officially pardoned.
Dipper and Mabel laugh, to Stan's befuddlement.
Stan: Oy! You a never gonna make sense, are you, kid?
Mabel: No, I'm not, Grunkle Stan. No, I'm not. Mabel, away! (Jumps backward)
Crashing sound.
Mabel: I'm okay!
Cut to end tag. Trembley is in a courtroom talking to babies with mustaches wearing top hats.
Trembley: Esteemed gentlemen of the Supreme Court of the United States, I implore you to rethink your decision!
The babies sit there making cooing noises.
Trembley: Very well. But who would you have replaced me?
Baby: Mama.
Trembley: That old crone?!
Baby: Ba ba ba...
Trembley: Chief Justice Num-Num, y-you're spitting up on yourself! Now ohh! Oh, come on! This is a courtroom! I... this... this is a dark day for America.
( Gravity Falls )
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