The episode starts off in the middle of the night with a massive blue light glowing from inside the Mystery Shack. Inside the twins' bedroom, they and Waddles are both sleeping, but Waddles wakes up because of the light. Cut to Stan in his secret underground lab looking at the portal.
Stan Pines: Thirty long years and it's all led up to this. My greatest achievement! (Pauses and looks down) Probably should've worn pants. (The machine spouts out some fire that hits Stan in the shoulder and hе pats himself on his shoulder to get rid of thе fire) Feisty, (smiles) I like it. (Flips switches, looks at readouts) If I finally pull this off, it'll all have been worth it. (Stan sits down in his chair) I just have to keep playing it cool; if anyone ever finds out about this... (He looks at a picture of Dipper and Mabel) Yeah, right. I've come this far. Who could possibly catch me now? (He pulls on a six-fingered glove and pulls a switch labeled Max. Power, which powers up the machine, causing a power surge around town, and we cut to a shot of Wendy sleeping and Gideon in his jail cell noticing the light and opening one eye)
Cut to government base, we see a screen with sound waves. Agent Trigger and Agent Powers are sitting in front of the screen.
Agent Trigger: See there! There it is again!
Agent Powers: We haven't seen readings like this for thirty years.
Trigger: Is it coming from deep space? (Zooms in on-screen) An enemy weapon site? (Zooms in several times)
Powers: Just as I suspected. Gentlemen! We're going to Gravity Falls.
The big screen slightly changes to an aerial photo of Gravity Falls, Oregon.
Cut to the theme song.
Stan's alarm clock wakes him up, he is still in the secret lab.
Stan: Oh right. Showtime.
Cut to Mystery Shack.
Stan: Welcome, to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack!
Tourists cheer for Stan.
Stan: We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon! (Grabs a Li'l Gideon doll)
Tourists: Boo!
Stan: Please, please... boo harder! (Gestures)
Tourists: BOO!
Stan: But I didn't catch that porkchop all alone. These two scamps deserve SOME of the glory (Playfully rubs Dipper's hat)
Mabel elbows Stan.
Stan: Okay, okay. Most of the glory.
Toby Determined: (Holds up cinder block painted to look like a camera) Smile for the camera!
Stan: Your camera's a cinder block, Toby.
Toby: I just wanna be a part of things...
Shandra Jimenez: Smile for a REAL camera.
Mabel Pines: Everybody say "Something stupid!"
Mabel, Stan, and Dipper Pines: (Mabel pokes her fingers in her cheeks, Stan puts on some jazz hands, and Dipper pretends to choke himself) Something stupid!
Stan: And don't forget to come to the after-party tonight at eight. (Shows After-Party poster)
Mabel: We're doing a karaoke bonanza, people! (Grabs karaoke machine) Light! Music! Enchantment! (Blows confetti out of her hand) And an amazing karaoke performance by our family band, Love Patrol Alpha!
Dipper: I don't know about that.
Stan: I would never agree to that ever.
Mabel: Too late! I wrote your names on the list! It's happening!
Wendy Corduroy: (Blows an air horn) Buy a ticket, people! You know you don't have anything going on in your lives! I'm talking to you, Pizza Guy! Don't lame out on me!
Tourists follow Wendy outside. Cut to Stan, Dipper, and Mabel.
Stan: (Sighs) The town loves us, we finally got that Gideon smell out of the carpet. Everything is finally going my way.
Dipper: Hey, Grunkle Stan. Now that we have a moment. I've been meaning to ask you for my journal back.
Stan: Wha? Journal? ("Searches" himself for the journal, pulling it from under the counter) Oh! (Laughs) You mean this old thing! It was so boring I couldn't even finish it.
Flashback in Stan's office, Stan photocopies Journal 3. Waddles is standing beside the copy machine.
Waddles: (Squeals)
Stan: (Points at Waddles) You didn't see nothing!
Cut back to present.
Dipper: Wait, you're just gonna give it to me? Just like that?
Stan: What else do you want? A kiss on the cheek?
Dipper: I... I gotta go! (Takes Mabel with him to the attic)
Soos Ramirez: I wouldn't mind a kiss on the cheek.
Stan: Not gonna happen.
Cut to attic. Dipper locks the door, turns Mabel's stuffed animals around, pulls down the screen on the window, and turns on his electric lamp.
Dipper: Mabel, we've gotta talk. Almost losing my journal made me realize that I'm halfway through the summer, and still no closer to figuring out the big mysteries of Gravity Falls. Gideon almost destroyed the town to get his hands on this journal. But why? (Starts pacing up and down the room) Who wrote it? Where are all the other journals? What was Bill talking about when he said: "everything was going to change"? There's something HUGE going on right under our noses. And it's time we stop goofing around and get to the bottom of it.
Mabel: Bro, you looked at that thing like, a bazillion times. There's nothing left to discover! Half the pages are blank, remember?
Dipper: (While flipping through pages of Journal 3:) I just feel like I'm one puzzle piece away from figuring out everything.
Mabel: Don't worry Dipper! (Lifts up Waddles) Lord Mystery Ham is on the case! (In a British accent, pretending to be Waddles:) "I play by me own rules! Wot? Wot?"
Dipper: I don't know why I tell you things...do you hear that?
Cut to the Mystery Shack parking lot. A car parks. Two men step out of the car and look at the Shack.
Soos: Hey, Mr. Pines, what's that code word I'm supposed to yell when I see a government vehicle?
Stan: Wait, what? (Stan goes near Soos and looks outside the window too) Government vehicle?
(A "U.S. Government" vehicle arrives near the Mystery Shack, a "USEXEMPT" is on the vehicle's number plate, and a sticker that says "Honk If You Want To Be Arrested" is on the back of the car. Stan, with a scared look on his face, quickly closes the window, goes to the Mystery Shack's intercom, and screams into it)
Stan: (From the Mystery Shack's speaker:) The Mystery Shack is now closed, everybody out! I will not hesitate to use the hose on the elderly!
Mabel and Dipper run to Stan while all the customers are leaving the gift shop.
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, what's happening?
Dipper: Yeah, you never shut down the gift shop.
Stan is walking nervously in the gift shop, a doorbell ring is heard and a few knocks after it.
Stan: (Opens the door with a big smile) Welcome to the Mystery Shack, gentlemen! What can I get you? (Stan takes out a snow globe and a U.F.O key chain of his jacket) Key chains? Snow globes? These rare photos of American presidents? (Stan pulls a five-dollar bill out of his sleeve as he begins to sweat)
Two men are shown standing in the doorway in front of Stan, showing their government I.D. cards.
Powers: My name is Agent Powers and this is Agent Trigger, we're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town.
Trigger: (Points at Stan) Activity!
Stan: Mysterious activity? In the Mystery Shack? You gotta be joking!
Powers: I assure you I'm not. I was born with a rare disorder that made me physically incapable of experiencing humor.
Stan: (Laughs nervously)
Powers: I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. Now if you'll excuse us we are conducting an investigation.
Both men enter the Mystery Shack.
Trigger: (Pokes Stan menacingly) Investigation!
Dipper: Wait! Wait, did you guys say you're investigating the mysteries of this town?
Powers: That information is classified (kneels down), but yes. Look. Between you and me I believe there is a conspiracy of paranormal origin all connected to this town. (Close-up) We're just one small lead away from blowing the lid of this entire mystery.
Dipper: Are you kidding me? I'm investigating the exact same thing! I found this journal in the woods which has almost all the answers. If we work together, we could crack the case!
Powers: (Checks Agent Trigger) If you have evidence of these claims, (gives Dipper his card) we should talk.
Dipper: We could talk right now! Please, please. C-Come in! I have so much to show you!
Stan: Hehe, I'm sorry agents. The kid has an overactive imagination. And like, a sweating problem.
Mabel: (Off-screen:) Haha! Zing!
Stan: Paranormal town stuff is just part of gift shop lore. Sells more tickets you know? (Snaps fingers)
Soos: Popodopopo! Swag! (Sticks "What is the Mystery Shack?" bumper stickers to both agents and puts some funny antennae on their heads)
Powers: We have other spots to investigate. We'll be on our way.
Trigger: (Takes ten Stan bobbleheads) I'm confiscating this for evidence.
Powers: Smart move.
Dipper: (Runs) Wait! No, wait! We got so much to talk about!
Stan: (Stops Dipper) Hold it kiddo. Trust me, the last thing you want around during a party is cops. (Closes vending machine) I'm confiscating that card. (Takes card from Dipper)
Dipper: (Gasps)
Stan: Now, how's about you being a normal kid. Flirt with a girl, or steal a pie off a window sill. (Puts card in "Contraband Box" and walks into the living room)
Dipper: But Grunkle Stan! You don't understand!
Stan: And don't go talking to those agents.
Dipper: Ugh! That could've been my big break!
Mabel: (Takes journal) Bro, maybe Grunkle Stan is right. We're throwing a party tonight! Can't you go one night without searching for aliens or raising the dead or whatever?
Dipper: I'm not gonna raise the dead. I just need a chance to show those agents my book!
Mabel: Trust me Dipper, the only book you'll need tonight is right here: Boop! (Shows him her "Karaoke Songs" book)
Dipper: (Holds book)
Mabel: I say kara–, you say –oke! kara– (raises her arms), kara– (raises her arms), kara– (raises her arms). I could do this all day.
Cut to party, Soos places a nacho bowl, Mabel stands on the podium while Stan walks to the Shack.
Stan: (Gets shot by Mabel's confetti cannon) Aah!
Mabel: Well, the confetti cannon works! (Gasps) And the karaoke machine has all the best songs! (Reads aloud) "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," "Taking Over Midnight" by &ndra! (Grabs microphone)
Stan: Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice singing. Trust me.
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, karaoke is not about sounding good, it's about sounding terrible, TOGETHER. (Big eyes)
Wendy: (Laughs; to Dipper:) Check it out! These black lights make my teeth look scary. (Turns on black light) It's like a crime scene in my mouth! C'mon, you love it.
Dipper: (Sighs) It's not fair. Finally I meet someone who can help me solve the mysteries of this town, and Stan confiscates their card.
Wendy: Dude, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm pretty sure Stan hides, like, everything in his room.
Dipper: Ugh, if I go into Stan's room I could get in so much trouble.
Wendy: Yeah, you're probably right. That's what makes it fun, dummy! (Puts party hat on Dipper's head)
Cut to Soos stacking Piñatas shaped like Grunkle Stan's head.
Soos: Man, I can't wait to smash these Stañatas!
Grenda: Smash! (Dives into the Stañatas, breaking them and the table they are on) Grenda has entered the party!
Candy Chiu: (Picking up candy from the destroyed Stañatas) Stan's brains look delicious.
Mabel: Girls! (Hugs Candy and Grenda)
Grenda: Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh, Mabel! Is that a boombox sweater?
Mabel: See for yourself!
Grenda: Poke! (Pokes the boombox on Mabel's sweater)
The boombox starts flashing and music plays. The three girls start dancing.
Grenda: (While dancing:) Ha! Ha! Yes, work it! Hah!
Cut to the Mystery Shack's parking lot as some vehicles pull in. Gompers is standing on the "Mystery Shack" sign. Thompson, Tambry, Nate and Lee are walking towards the party.
Thompson: Aw, I thought this was gonna be a rave.
Nate: Thompson, take off your shirt and make it a rave!
Thompson: (While taking shirt off) I'll do anything for your approval!
Tambry: (Takes a picture of shirtless Thompson with her phone)
Thompson: Aw, come on.
Tambry: I promise I won't send it to anyone. (Presses "SEND ALL" button on her phone)
Cut to Stan at a table with "ADMISSION $10" written on the front.
Lazy Susan: (Walks past and hands Stan some money while carrying a pie) Who's got one good eye and one good pie?
Manly Dan: (Walks past and hands Stan money while carrying two kegs with "MEAT" written on them) These kegs are full of MEAT!
Tyler Cutebiker: (Walks past and hands Stan money while looking at his phone and laughing) Tambry sends me the craziest texts!
Stan: The whole town is showing up! And no sign of those pesky agents. Wendy, Dipper. How are those posters coming along? (Looks at where Dipper and Wendy were, notices they're gone, and frowns) Hmm.
Cut to the door of Stan's room. A piece of wood nailed to the door reads "STAN'S ROOM." A sign hanging on a nail below it reads "NO MINORS ALLOWED." A picture of Dipper with a cross through it and "THAT MEANS YOU!" written on it is pinned to the door. A "Do not disturb" sign is on the doorknob.
Wendy: I'll keep an eye out for Stan. You go rustle through his weird old man biz.
Dipper: (Opens door and walks into Stan's room) Alright, Grunkle Stan. Where did you hide that card? (Opens drawer with Gold Chains For Old Men Magazine and other items) Nothing. (Opens closet) Nothing. (Opens drawer with knuckledusters and boxing gloves) Nothing. (Opens chest containing Fully Clothed Women magazine and Lady Swimwear magazine) Ew! Pretending I never saw that. (Ends up in front of a portrait of Stan) Wait a minute... (Moves portrait to reveal a secret compartment with a box labelled "Contraband" in it) Haha, yes! (Takes out box and pulls out Agent Powers' card) I got it! (Picks up the phone and dials the number on the card)
Powers: (Through phone:) Agent Powers.
Dipper: Hi, this is Dipper. Th-The kid from the Mystery Shack. The one with the, um, "sweating problem." I have that journal I wanted to show you!
Powers: (Through phone:) And you're certain this "journal" will help our case?
Dipper: I'm a hundred percent positive.
Powers: (Through phone:) Very well. We're on our way.
Stan appears and presses a button to end the phone call.
Dipper: (Gasps)
Wendy: Sorry, Dipper. (Shows her phone with the picture of shirtless Thompson on it) I got distracted.
Stan: Kid, why did you call those agents? I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times! (Grabs phone from Dipper) There's nothing "supernatural" going on in Gravity Falls. (Hangs up phone)
Dipper: Yes, there is! After everything that's happened you have to know that by now.
Stan: All I know is that your dumb obsession is gonna get us all in trouble one of these days. Now go enjoy the rest of the party, 'cause when it's over – you're grounded.
Dipper and Wendy walk away. Dipper looks at Stan angrily.
Stan: (Sighs)
Cut to the vending machine. Stan enters the code, goes inside it, then checks to see if anyone is watching before closing it behind him.
Cut to the party, Mabel walks from left to right.
Mabel: (To unnamed kids and rich boy:) Hey boys! Looking good! (To Gorney:) Gorney! You clean up nice! (To Mr. Poolcheck:) Mr. Poolcheck move those crazy legs. (Softly:) You-you weird pool man. (To Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland:) What's the problem officers? Did you catch my face going ninety smiles per hour?
Durland: We've got complaints about the loudest party in town.
Blubs: Three words: We want in.
Mabel: (Lifts up party horns and put them in Durland and Blubs' mouths; whispers:) Welcome to your dreams!
Blubs and Durland (Blows party horns)
Cut to Mystery Shack parking lane, the government vehicle from earlier appears. Agent Trigger and Agent Powers get out of it. They look at their watches.
Dipper: Guys, I'm so glad to see you. Working together we can crack all of the big questions of Gravity Falls! (Agents look at each other) Trust me, this book is the lead you've been looking for. (Gives book to Agents, they start reading) I'm thinking full scale investigation. Forensics, researchers. Do you guys have a helicopter? (Chuckles) I'm sorry, "helicopters."
Powers: Kid, I'd love to believe you, but this just looks like more junk from your uncle's gift shop. (Points backwards) I mean, Leprecorn? I can't be the only one who thinks that's not funny.
Trigger: I can confirm. (Shakes his head) Not funny.
Dipper: No, no, no! It's real, I swear! You should "send it to the lab." Am I saying that right?
Powers: (Hands Dipper back the journal) Your uncle was right about that overactive imagination of yours. We've got paperwork to do, kid.
Trigger: Boring. Paperwork.
Dipper: WAIT! This book is real. (Flipping through pages) Gnomes, cursed objects, spells! LISTEN! Uh, uh, Corpus Levitus! Diablo Dominus! MONDO VICIUM!
"Vicium" echos through the air, as a large gust builds up. The ground starts shaking.
Dipper: Huh?
Both Agents: AAH!
A huge crack forms between Dipper's feet he jumps away and lands near the Agents. Green smoke comes out of the crack. A zombie slowly climbs out and roars.
Dipper: Ha, a zombie! A real, actual, zombie. See? Spooky journal, 100% real. Now can we work together?
Powers: Mother of all that is holy!
Trigger: What do we do?
Dipper: It's just one zombie, trust me I see stuff like this all the time
Dipper scans trough his journal, looking for a solution. Then after a few seconds the zombie roars in his face about to bite him.
Dipper: (Screams)
Agent Powers quickly hits the zombie with a rock, knocking it out.
Dipper: Whew. Oh, good thing it was just that one.
The ground starts shaking again more cracks form, more green smoke, and suddenly hundreds of zombies appear and start going after Dipper, Agent Trigger, and Agent Powers.
Dipper: Oh my gosh! You guys can help right?!
Powers: Kid, we've been chasing the paranormal for years but we have never seen anything like this before!
Trigger: Get down! (Zombies tackle them)
Zombies pull the agents into the darkness of the forest, leaving Dipper by himself.
Dipper: OH, MY GOSH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Cuts to the party were everyone is happy, dancing, and having a good time. Then show the police rapping.
Blubs: (Singing karaoke:) What up, fools. It's Blubs and Durls.
Deputy Durland: (Singing karaoke:) Making all that money and gettin' them girls!
Mabel: (Talking to the crowd of the party:) What do you say guys is this party legendary? When I say "Mabel" you say "Pines"!
The ground starts shaking.
Mabel: Mabel!
Woman: (Screams)
Mabel: Mabel!
Man: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
Mabel: Why does that never work?
Wendy: Whoa, WHOA! I think it's an earthquake! (Blows airhorn) Hey, everybody, we got to get out of here!
Candy: We are all doomed!
Grenda: Quick, into my getaway pouch.
Candy jumps into Grenda's backpack.
Grenda: Mabel, escape while you still can!
Mabel: Wait, no! Don't leave! We haven't even done our family karaoke song yet!
Dipper runs into the party (Soos and Mabel are the only ones left). Mabel notices the zombies following Dipper.
Mabel: Dipper, what's the one thing I asked you not to do tonight?
Dipper: (Sounding ashamed:) Raise the dead.
Mabel: And what did you do?
Dipper: (Sounding ashamed:) Raise the dead.
As the zombies get closer, Mabel and Dipper back up as Soos heroically steps in front to protect them.
Soos: Stay back dudes, this is about to get intense.
Zombie knocks over a table, forcing them into a dead end, as the zombies surround them
All: (Scream)
Soos: Sorry, one second. (Takes out his phone and takes a picture) You got to admit this is pretty cool.
(Commercial break)
Dipper: ZOMBIES!!
Mabel: Don't panic. Maybe they're just a really ugly flash mob?!
A zombie swings and almost hits their heads before they duck. They run behind Soos while screaming.
Soos: Dudes, stay calm. I've been training for this moment my whole life. With all the horror movies I've seen, I literally know all there is to know about to avoid zombies.
A zombie bites Soos, and he becomes a zombie.
Soos: Second thought, gonna flip the script. Can I, eat your brains? Yea or Nay? Seeing some Yea faces over here.
Dipper and Mabel: (Scream)
They run around the side of the house, Soos and the other zombies in slow pursuit. Dipper slices through a zombie with his shovel.
Dipper: Quick! The golf cart!
Zombies attack the golf cart, tipping it over and biting at it.
Dipper: Aw, come on!
Soos: Hoo, that's a bummer. Good news for me though, ha ha.
Dipper: Soos!
Soos: Sorry, dude, I just really want those brains!
Dipper: Stay back!
Dipper hits a colorful disco ball at the zombies. One of the zombies catches it in its mouth and swallows it, sending rays of colorful light shining out between its ribs. They continue advancing toward the twins, who stand in fear.
Soos: Give it up, dudes! Your fighting only makes us look more rad!
Mabel: What do we do? Where's Grunkle Stan?
Dipper: How's he supposed to help? He doesn't even believe in the supernatural!
Cut to the secret lab, the portal glowing and making a zapping noise. Stan is in his chair, pushing buttons.
Stan: Those agents could ruin everything. Darn kid! He has no idea what he's messing with. (He picks up Journal 1) He's stubborn, that's his problem. (Looks at his face reflected in the cover) Sorta like me, I suppose. (Puts the journal down) Ugh, I got too much on my mind to worry about those kids right now. All right, let's see...
A screen behind him shows Dipper, Mabel, and Waddles running from the zombies. Cut to outside. A zombie pops up in front of the twins.
Mabel: Take that, sucka! (She hits the zombie with the karaoke machine. Its head flies off) This thing's a surprisingly good weapon!
More zombies approach behind them. The kids scream and run into the Shack.
Dipper: Quick! We need to board up all the windows!
They pile things in front of the door, blocking it. The zombies press against the door and begin to break it.
Dipper: (While backing up:) Okay, maybe that'll hold 'em.
The window crashes open. Soos leans in.
Soos: Hey dudes! By the way, I taught the zombies how to get into the fuse box. Among these dudes I'm like a genius, haha!
The Shack lights go out, with red light pouring in from outside. Zombies start climbing in through the window.
Soos: Get those brains, dawg!
Dipper: (Runs for the other door, just as a zombie hand smashes through. He gasps and backs into the corner with Mabel)
Mabel: Dipper, isn't there something in the journal about defeating zombies?!
Dipper: (Frantically looking through the journal:) NO! THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT WEAKNESSES! (Sighs) This can't be happening. I wanted answers so bad I put everyone in danger. Now we're toast, it's all my fault, and no one can save us!
A zombie grabs Dipper's arm and lifts him up. Mabel screams.
Dipper: Ah, NO! MABEL, I'M SORRY!
Mabel: DIPPER
Dipper screams, the zombie opens it's mouth, when suddenly—"SMASH!"—it is hit with a baseball bat and drops Dipper, and its head is crushed by the foot of—
Stan: (Standing in a heroic stance, panting, his clothes torn and hat gone. Gesturing to the twins:) YOU TWO! ATTIC! NOW!
Dipper: Grunkle... Grunkle Stan?!
Stan: I said NOW! (As Dipper, Mabel, and Waddles flee and the zombies approach:) All right, you undead jerks, YOU READY TO DIE TWICE?!
The twins run through the living room, Stan following, fighting off zombies.
Stan: The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is me! Take that! And that! Eat it, no eyes! (A zombie growls and bites the baseball bat in half, only be punched by Stan's brass-knuckle-wearing fists) ANYONE ELSE WANNA PIECE?!
He continues bashing zombies, then backs up the stairs as more enter from the front door. At the top of the stairs he pushes over a grandfather clock with a grunt, sending it tumbling into the horde of zombies. The twins run into their room and slam the door. They back away as something starts breaking in. The door opens to reveal Stan, who coughs and clutches his side.
Stan: Oh! Ow. Everything hurts. (He turns and closes the door, barricading it with a chair)
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, that was amazing! Are you alright! Heh heh, well, at least you can't deny magic exists anymore, right?
Stan: (Pause) Kid, I've always known.
Dipper: Wait, what are you talking about?
Stan: I'm not an idiot, Dipper! Of course this town is weird! And the one thing I know about that weirdness is that it's dangerous! (A zombie's hand breaks through the door. The group backs into the center of the room) I've been lying about it to try to keep you away from it. To try to protect you from it!
A zombie breaks through the window. Stan punches it and watches it fall to the ground, where a crowd of zombies is staring up at the Shack. More start crawling up the outside walls.
Stan: It looks like I didn't lie well enough.
Mabel: What do we do, what do we do?
Dipper: (Pacing across the room) Well, normally the journal would help us, but there's nothing in there about defeating zombies! (He pauses by a black light, and it glows on the journal, revealing glowing text) It's hopeless!
Mabel: Wait, wait, wait! The text! It's glowing in the black light!
Dipper: What? (He flips through the journal, with Mabel and Grunkle Stan watching. The pages are covered with previously hidden notes) All this time I thought I knew all the journal's secrets, but they're written in some kind of invisible ink!
Stan: Invisible ink?
Dipper: This is it! (Reading:) "Zombies have a weakness! Previously thought to be invincible, their skulls can be shattered by a perfect three part harmony." Three part harmony, how can we create that? I have a naturally high-pitched scream...?
Stan: I can make noises with my body? Sometimes intentionally.
Mabel: Boys, boys. I think you're both missing the obvious solution.
Cut to the zombies outside crowding the Mystery Shack. They wander through the gift shop, when a noise comes from a microphone.
Mabel: (Through mic:) Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?
The zombies start walking outside. Soos walks through the living room.
Soos: (Notices TV) Ooh, Gossiping Housewives is on! (He sits to watch. A zombie calls him from outside) Eh, I already sat down.
The zombies gather outside. Dipper, Grunkle Stan, and Mabel are on the roof awning, each holding a microphone.
Mabel: Zombies and gentlemen! I'm Mabel, they're Dipper and Stan, and together we're Love Patrol Alpha!
Dipper: I never agreed to that name.
Mabel: Hit it!
"Taking Over Midnight" starts playing.
Stan: (Looks at lyrics) Uh, Mabel, our lives may not be worth this.
Dipper: (Singing:) "Friday night, and we're gonna party 'til dawn. Don't worry, Daddy, (questioningly) I've got my favorite dress on?!" (Covers mic) Mabel, this is stupid!
Mabel: (Singing:) "Roll in to the party, the boys are lookin' our way. We just keep dancing', we don't care what they say!" (Zombies start crawling up the roof) "And all the boys are gettin' up in my face–" (A zombie grabs at them) Aah! Guys, we have to sing together or it won't work!"
Stan: (Singing:) "Boys are a bore, let's show 'em the door."
All three: (Singing:) "We're takin' over the dance floor! Oh-oh! Girls do what we like!"
A sound wave goes out, causing the zombies to cover their ears. A few of their heads explode.
All three: (Singing:) "Oh-oh! We're taking over tonight! Oh-oh! Girls do what we like! Oh-oh! We're taking over tonight!"
They sing to the night as more zombies' heads explode.
All three (Singing:) "We're queens of the disco! Oh-oh! Girls do what we like! Oh-oh! We're taking over tonight!"
Dipper: (Singing:) "Takin' over tooniiiiight!"
As the guitar riff plays, a zombie pops up and Dipper screams.
Mabel: DUCK! (Shoots it with confetti cannon. Its head lands in the punch bowl as the rising sun illuminates the corpses of all the zombies) Thank you! We'll be here all night!
Stan: Deal with it, zombie idiots! (Laughs maniacally)
All: (Chant:) PINES! PINES! PINES! PINES!
Cut to the ravaged living room. Stan puts on his fez.
Dipper: I'm sorry about this, guys. I totally ruined everything.
Mabel: Dipper, are you kidding me? I got to sing karaoke with my two favorite people in the world! No party could ever top that.
Stan: Kids, listen. This town is crazy. So you need to be careful. I don't know what I'd do with myself if you got hurt on my watch. I'll let you hold on to that spooky journal, as long as you promise me you'll only use it for self-defense, and not go looking for trouble.
Dipper: Okay, as long as you promise me that you don't have any other bombshell secrets about this town.
Stan: (Crosses his fingers behind his back) Promise.
Dipper: (Crosses his fingers behind his back as well) Promise.
Stan: Man, we have got a lot of zombie damage to clean up. Where's my handyman anyway?
Soos: Brains! Braaains!
Stan: Holy Moses! (Grabs a chair, almost hits Zombie Soos)
Dipper: Wait! There's a page in here about curing zombification. It's gonna take a lot of formaldehyde.
Mabel: Ooh, and cinnamon!
Dipper: Come on Soos, let's fix you up.
Soos:Brains! Braaains!
Mabel: (Prodding Soos out of the room) Soos, cut it out!
Soos: Heheh, sorry dude!
Dipper: I can't believe it! All this time the author's secrets were hiding in plain sight! (Pulls out a portable black light and shines it on the journal) A whole new chapter of mysteries to explore...
Cut to end credits.
Agents Powers and Trigger climbs out of a ditch
Trigger: That was insane! I've never seen anything like it! Who do we report to?
Powers: (Pulls a zombie head off his jacket and watches it dissolve in his hand) This is bigger than we imagined. We need to bring in the big guns.
Trigger: But they'll never believe us!
Powers: Then we'll make them believe us. This is the town we've been searching for.
Toby walks by, swinging for a piñata and making weird noises.
Trigger: Aah! Another zombie!
Powers: Drop your weapon! Drop your weapon!
Toby lifts his blindfold and looks at the agents.
Agents: Oh, it's just—Who is that guy?—just a very ugly man.
Code: SMOFZQA JDF (WELCOME BACK decoded from Vigenere. The key is WIDDLE)
Stan Pines: Thirty long years and it's all led up to this. My greatest achievement! (Pauses and looks down) Probably should've worn pants. (The machine spouts out some fire that hits Stan in the shoulder and hе pats himself on his shoulder to get rid of thе fire) Feisty, (smiles) I like it. (Flips switches, looks at readouts) If I finally pull this off, it'll all have been worth it. (Stan sits down in his chair) I just have to keep playing it cool; if anyone ever finds out about this... (He looks at a picture of Dipper and Mabel) Yeah, right. I've come this far. Who could possibly catch me now? (He pulls on a six-fingered glove and pulls a switch labeled Max. Power, which powers up the machine, causing a power surge around town, and we cut to a shot of Wendy sleeping and Gideon in his jail cell noticing the light and opening one eye)
Cut to government base, we see a screen with sound waves. Agent Trigger and Agent Powers are sitting in front of the screen.
Agent Trigger: See there! There it is again!
Agent Powers: We haven't seen readings like this for thirty years.
Trigger: Is it coming from deep space? (Zooms in on-screen) An enemy weapon site? (Zooms in several times)
Powers: Just as I suspected. Gentlemen! We're going to Gravity Falls.
The big screen slightly changes to an aerial photo of Gravity Falls, Oregon.
Cut to the theme song.
Stan's alarm clock wakes him up, he is still in the secret lab.
Stan: Oh right. Showtime.
Cut to Mystery Shack.
Stan: Welcome, to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack!
Tourists cheer for Stan.
Stan: We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon! (Grabs a Li'l Gideon doll)
Tourists: Boo!
Stan: Please, please... boo harder! (Gestures)
Tourists: BOO!
Stan: But I didn't catch that porkchop all alone. These two scamps deserve SOME of the glory (Playfully rubs Dipper's hat)
Mabel elbows Stan.
Stan: Okay, okay. Most of the glory.
Toby Determined: (Holds up cinder block painted to look like a camera) Smile for the camera!
Stan: Your camera's a cinder block, Toby.
Toby: I just wanna be a part of things...
Shandra Jimenez: Smile for a REAL camera.
Mabel Pines: Everybody say "Something stupid!"
Mabel, Stan, and Dipper Pines: (Mabel pokes her fingers in her cheeks, Stan puts on some jazz hands, and Dipper pretends to choke himself) Something stupid!
Stan: And don't forget to come to the after-party tonight at eight. (Shows After-Party poster)
Mabel: We're doing a karaoke bonanza, people! (Grabs karaoke machine) Light! Music! Enchantment! (Blows confetti out of her hand) And an amazing karaoke performance by our family band, Love Patrol Alpha!
Dipper: I don't know about that.
Stan: I would never agree to that ever.
Mabel: Too late! I wrote your names on the list! It's happening!
Wendy Corduroy: (Blows an air horn) Buy a ticket, people! You know you don't have anything going on in your lives! I'm talking to you, Pizza Guy! Don't lame out on me!
Tourists follow Wendy outside. Cut to Stan, Dipper, and Mabel.
Stan: (Sighs) The town loves us, we finally got that Gideon smell out of the carpet. Everything is finally going my way.
Dipper: Hey, Grunkle Stan. Now that we have a moment. I've been meaning to ask you for my journal back.
Stan: Wha? Journal? ("Searches" himself for the journal, pulling it from under the counter) Oh! (Laughs) You mean this old thing! It was so boring I couldn't even finish it.
Flashback in Stan's office, Stan photocopies Journal 3. Waddles is standing beside the copy machine.
Waddles: (Squeals)
Stan: (Points at Waddles) You didn't see nothing!
Cut back to present.
Dipper: Wait, you're just gonna give it to me? Just like that?
Stan: What else do you want? A kiss on the cheek?
Dipper: I... I gotta go! (Takes Mabel with him to the attic)
Soos Ramirez: I wouldn't mind a kiss on the cheek.
Stan: Not gonna happen.
Cut to attic. Dipper locks the door, turns Mabel's stuffed animals around, pulls down the screen on the window, and turns on his electric lamp.
Dipper: Mabel, we've gotta talk. Almost losing my journal made me realize that I'm halfway through the summer, and still no closer to figuring out the big mysteries of Gravity Falls. Gideon almost destroyed the town to get his hands on this journal. But why? (Starts pacing up and down the room) Who wrote it? Where are all the other journals? What was Bill talking about when he said: "everything was going to change"? There's something HUGE going on right under our noses. And it's time we stop goofing around and get to the bottom of it.
Mabel: Bro, you looked at that thing like, a bazillion times. There's nothing left to discover! Half the pages are blank, remember?
Dipper: (While flipping through pages of Journal 3:) I just feel like I'm one puzzle piece away from figuring out everything.
Mabel: Don't worry Dipper! (Lifts up Waddles) Lord Mystery Ham is on the case! (In a British accent, pretending to be Waddles:) "I play by me own rules! Wot? Wot?"
Dipper: I don't know why I tell you things...do you hear that?
Cut to the Mystery Shack parking lot. A car parks. Two men step out of the car and look at the Shack.
Soos: Hey, Mr. Pines, what's that code word I'm supposed to yell when I see a government vehicle?
Stan: Wait, what? (Stan goes near Soos and looks outside the window too) Government vehicle?
(A "U.S. Government" vehicle arrives near the Mystery Shack, a "USEXEMPT" is on the vehicle's number plate, and a sticker that says "Honk If You Want To Be Arrested" is on the back of the car. Stan, with a scared look on his face, quickly closes the window, goes to the Mystery Shack's intercom, and screams into it)
Stan: (From the Mystery Shack's speaker:) The Mystery Shack is now closed, everybody out! I will not hesitate to use the hose on the elderly!
Mabel and Dipper run to Stan while all the customers are leaving the gift shop.
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, what's happening?
Dipper: Yeah, you never shut down the gift shop.
Stan is walking nervously in the gift shop, a doorbell ring is heard and a few knocks after it.
Stan: (Opens the door with a big smile) Welcome to the Mystery Shack, gentlemen! What can I get you? (Stan takes out a snow globe and a U.F.O key chain of his jacket) Key chains? Snow globes? These rare photos of American presidents? (Stan pulls a five-dollar bill out of his sleeve as he begins to sweat)
Two men are shown standing in the doorway in front of Stan, showing their government I.D. cards.
Powers: My name is Agent Powers and this is Agent Trigger, we're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town.
Trigger: (Points at Stan) Activity!
Stan: Mysterious activity? In the Mystery Shack? You gotta be joking!
Powers: I assure you I'm not. I was born with a rare disorder that made me physically incapable of experiencing humor.
Stan: (Laughs nervously)
Powers: I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. Now if you'll excuse us we are conducting an investigation.
Both men enter the Mystery Shack.
Trigger: (Pokes Stan menacingly) Investigation!
Dipper: Wait! Wait, did you guys say you're investigating the mysteries of this town?
Powers: That information is classified (kneels down), but yes. Look. Between you and me I believe there is a conspiracy of paranormal origin all connected to this town. (Close-up) We're just one small lead away from blowing the lid of this entire mystery.
Dipper: Are you kidding me? I'm investigating the exact same thing! I found this journal in the woods which has almost all the answers. If we work together, we could crack the case!
Powers: (Checks Agent Trigger) If you have evidence of these claims, (gives Dipper his card) we should talk.
Dipper: We could talk right now! Please, please. C-Come in! I have so much to show you!
Stan: Hehe, I'm sorry agents. The kid has an overactive imagination. And like, a sweating problem.
Mabel: (Off-screen:) Haha! Zing!
Stan: Paranormal town stuff is just part of gift shop lore. Sells more tickets you know? (Snaps fingers)
Soos: Popodopopo! Swag! (Sticks "What is the Mystery Shack?" bumper stickers to both agents and puts some funny antennae on their heads)
Powers: We have other spots to investigate. We'll be on our way.
Trigger: (Takes ten Stan bobbleheads) I'm confiscating this for evidence.
Powers: Smart move.
Dipper: (Runs) Wait! No, wait! We got so much to talk about!
Stan: (Stops Dipper) Hold it kiddo. Trust me, the last thing you want around during a party is cops. (Closes vending machine) I'm confiscating that card. (Takes card from Dipper)
Dipper: (Gasps)
Stan: Now, how's about you being a normal kid. Flirt with a girl, or steal a pie off a window sill. (Puts card in "Contraband Box" and walks into the living room)
Dipper: But Grunkle Stan! You don't understand!
Stan: And don't go talking to those agents.
Dipper: Ugh! That could've been my big break!
Mabel: (Takes journal) Bro, maybe Grunkle Stan is right. We're throwing a party tonight! Can't you go one night without searching for aliens or raising the dead or whatever?
Dipper: I'm not gonna raise the dead. I just need a chance to show those agents my book!
Mabel: Trust me Dipper, the only book you'll need tonight is right here: Boop! (Shows him her "Karaoke Songs" book)
Dipper: (Holds book)
Mabel: I say kara–, you say –oke! kara– (raises her arms), kara– (raises her arms), kara– (raises her arms). I could do this all day.
Cut to party, Soos places a nacho bowl, Mabel stands on the podium while Stan walks to the Shack.
Stan: (Gets shot by Mabel's confetti cannon) Aah!
Mabel: Well, the confetti cannon works! (Gasps) And the karaoke machine has all the best songs! (Reads aloud) "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," "Taking Over Midnight" by &ndra! (Grabs microphone)
Stan: Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice singing. Trust me.
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, karaoke is not about sounding good, it's about sounding terrible, TOGETHER. (Big eyes)
Wendy: (Laughs; to Dipper:) Check it out! These black lights make my teeth look scary. (Turns on black light) It's like a crime scene in my mouth! C'mon, you love it.
Dipper: (Sighs) It's not fair. Finally I meet someone who can help me solve the mysteries of this town, and Stan confiscates their card.
Wendy: Dude, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm pretty sure Stan hides, like, everything in his room.
Dipper: Ugh, if I go into Stan's room I could get in so much trouble.
Wendy: Yeah, you're probably right. That's what makes it fun, dummy! (Puts party hat on Dipper's head)
Cut to Soos stacking Piñatas shaped like Grunkle Stan's head.
Soos: Man, I can't wait to smash these Stañatas!
Grenda: Smash! (Dives into the Stañatas, breaking them and the table they are on) Grenda has entered the party!
Candy Chiu: (Picking up candy from the destroyed Stañatas) Stan's brains look delicious.
Mabel: Girls! (Hugs Candy and Grenda)
Grenda: Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh, Mabel! Is that a boombox sweater?
Mabel: See for yourself!
Grenda: Poke! (Pokes the boombox on Mabel's sweater)
The boombox starts flashing and music plays. The three girls start dancing.
Grenda: (While dancing:) Ha! Ha! Yes, work it! Hah!
Cut to the Mystery Shack's parking lot as some vehicles pull in. Gompers is standing on the "Mystery Shack" sign. Thompson, Tambry, Nate and Lee are walking towards the party.
Thompson: Aw, I thought this was gonna be a rave.
Nate: Thompson, take off your shirt and make it a rave!
Thompson: (While taking shirt off) I'll do anything for your approval!
Tambry: (Takes a picture of shirtless Thompson with her phone)
Thompson: Aw, come on.
Tambry: I promise I won't send it to anyone. (Presses "SEND ALL" button on her phone)
Cut to Stan at a table with "ADMISSION $10" written on the front.
Lazy Susan: (Walks past and hands Stan some money while carrying a pie) Who's got one good eye and one good pie?
Manly Dan: (Walks past and hands Stan money while carrying two kegs with "MEAT" written on them) These kegs are full of MEAT!
Tyler Cutebiker: (Walks past and hands Stan money while looking at his phone and laughing) Tambry sends me the craziest texts!
Stan: The whole town is showing up! And no sign of those pesky agents. Wendy, Dipper. How are those posters coming along? (Looks at where Dipper and Wendy were, notices they're gone, and frowns) Hmm.
Cut to the door of Stan's room. A piece of wood nailed to the door reads "STAN'S ROOM." A sign hanging on a nail below it reads "NO MINORS ALLOWED." A picture of Dipper with a cross through it and "THAT MEANS YOU!" written on it is pinned to the door. A "Do not disturb" sign is on the doorknob.
Wendy: I'll keep an eye out for Stan. You go rustle through his weird old man biz.
Dipper: (Opens door and walks into Stan's room) Alright, Grunkle Stan. Where did you hide that card? (Opens drawer with Gold Chains For Old Men Magazine and other items) Nothing. (Opens closet) Nothing. (Opens drawer with knuckledusters and boxing gloves) Nothing. (Opens chest containing Fully Clothed Women magazine and Lady Swimwear magazine) Ew! Pretending I never saw that. (Ends up in front of a portrait of Stan) Wait a minute... (Moves portrait to reveal a secret compartment with a box labelled "Contraband" in it) Haha, yes! (Takes out box and pulls out Agent Powers' card) I got it! (Picks up the phone and dials the number on the card)
Powers: (Through phone:) Agent Powers.
Dipper: Hi, this is Dipper. Th-The kid from the Mystery Shack. The one with the, um, "sweating problem." I have that journal I wanted to show you!
Powers: (Through phone:) And you're certain this "journal" will help our case?
Dipper: I'm a hundred percent positive.
Powers: (Through phone:) Very well. We're on our way.
Stan appears and presses a button to end the phone call.
Dipper: (Gasps)
Wendy: Sorry, Dipper. (Shows her phone with the picture of shirtless Thompson on it) I got distracted.
Stan: Kid, why did you call those agents? I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times! (Grabs phone from Dipper) There's nothing "supernatural" going on in Gravity Falls. (Hangs up phone)
Dipper: Yes, there is! After everything that's happened you have to know that by now.
Stan: All I know is that your dumb obsession is gonna get us all in trouble one of these days. Now go enjoy the rest of the party, 'cause when it's over – you're grounded.
Dipper and Wendy walk away. Dipper looks at Stan angrily.
Stan: (Sighs)
Cut to the vending machine. Stan enters the code, goes inside it, then checks to see if anyone is watching before closing it behind him.
Cut to the party, Mabel walks from left to right.
Mabel: (To unnamed kids and rich boy:) Hey boys! Looking good! (To Gorney:) Gorney! You clean up nice! (To Mr. Poolcheck:) Mr. Poolcheck move those crazy legs. (Softly:) You-you weird pool man. (To Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland:) What's the problem officers? Did you catch my face going ninety smiles per hour?
Durland: We've got complaints about the loudest party in town.
Blubs: Three words: We want in.
Mabel: (Lifts up party horns and put them in Durland and Blubs' mouths; whispers:) Welcome to your dreams!
Blubs and Durland (Blows party horns)
Cut to Mystery Shack parking lane, the government vehicle from earlier appears. Agent Trigger and Agent Powers get out of it. They look at their watches.
Dipper: Guys, I'm so glad to see you. Working together we can crack all of the big questions of Gravity Falls! (Agents look at each other) Trust me, this book is the lead you've been looking for. (Gives book to Agents, they start reading) I'm thinking full scale investigation. Forensics, researchers. Do you guys have a helicopter? (Chuckles) I'm sorry, "helicopters."
Powers: Kid, I'd love to believe you, but this just looks like more junk from your uncle's gift shop. (Points backwards) I mean, Leprecorn? I can't be the only one who thinks that's not funny.
Trigger: I can confirm. (Shakes his head) Not funny.
Dipper: No, no, no! It's real, I swear! You should "send it to the lab." Am I saying that right?
Powers: (Hands Dipper back the journal) Your uncle was right about that overactive imagination of yours. We've got paperwork to do, kid.
Trigger: Boring. Paperwork.
Dipper: WAIT! This book is real. (Flipping through pages) Gnomes, cursed objects, spells! LISTEN! Uh, uh, Corpus Levitus! Diablo Dominus! MONDO VICIUM!
"Vicium" echos through the air, as a large gust builds up. The ground starts shaking.
Dipper: Huh?
Both Agents: AAH!
A huge crack forms between Dipper's feet he jumps away and lands near the Agents. Green smoke comes out of the crack. A zombie slowly climbs out and roars.
Dipper: Ha, a zombie! A real, actual, zombie. See? Spooky journal, 100% real. Now can we work together?
Powers: Mother of all that is holy!
Trigger: What do we do?
Dipper: It's just one zombie, trust me I see stuff like this all the time
Dipper scans trough his journal, looking for a solution. Then after a few seconds the zombie roars in his face about to bite him.
Dipper: (Screams)
Agent Powers quickly hits the zombie with a rock, knocking it out.
Dipper: Whew. Oh, good thing it was just that one.
The ground starts shaking again more cracks form, more green smoke, and suddenly hundreds of zombies appear and start going after Dipper, Agent Trigger, and Agent Powers.
Dipper: Oh my gosh! You guys can help right?!
Powers: Kid, we've been chasing the paranormal for years but we have never seen anything like this before!
Trigger: Get down! (Zombies tackle them)
Zombies pull the agents into the darkness of the forest, leaving Dipper by himself.
Dipper: OH, MY GOSH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Cuts to the party were everyone is happy, dancing, and having a good time. Then show the police rapping.
Blubs: (Singing karaoke:) What up, fools. It's Blubs and Durls.
Deputy Durland: (Singing karaoke:) Making all that money and gettin' them girls!
Mabel: (Talking to the crowd of the party:) What do you say guys is this party legendary? When I say "Mabel" you say "Pines"!
The ground starts shaking.
Mabel: Mabel!
Woman: (Screams)
Mabel: Mabel!
Man: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
Mabel: Why does that never work?
Wendy: Whoa, WHOA! I think it's an earthquake! (Blows airhorn) Hey, everybody, we got to get out of here!
Candy: We are all doomed!
Grenda: Quick, into my getaway pouch.
Candy jumps into Grenda's backpack.
Grenda: Mabel, escape while you still can!
Mabel: Wait, no! Don't leave! We haven't even done our family karaoke song yet!
Dipper runs into the party (Soos and Mabel are the only ones left). Mabel notices the zombies following Dipper.
Mabel: Dipper, what's the one thing I asked you not to do tonight?
Dipper: (Sounding ashamed:) Raise the dead.
Mabel: And what did you do?
Dipper: (Sounding ashamed:) Raise the dead.
As the zombies get closer, Mabel and Dipper back up as Soos heroically steps in front to protect them.
Soos: Stay back dudes, this is about to get intense.
Zombie knocks over a table, forcing them into a dead end, as the zombies surround them
All: (Scream)
Soos: Sorry, one second. (Takes out his phone and takes a picture) You got to admit this is pretty cool.
(Commercial break)
Dipper: ZOMBIES!!
Mabel: Don't panic. Maybe they're just a really ugly flash mob?!
A zombie swings and almost hits their heads before they duck. They run behind Soos while screaming.
Soos: Dudes, stay calm. I've been training for this moment my whole life. With all the horror movies I've seen, I literally know all there is to know about to avoid zombies.
A zombie bites Soos, and he becomes a zombie.
Soos: Second thought, gonna flip the script. Can I, eat your brains? Yea or Nay? Seeing some Yea faces over here.
Dipper and Mabel: (Scream)
They run around the side of the house, Soos and the other zombies in slow pursuit. Dipper slices through a zombie with his shovel.
Dipper: Quick! The golf cart!
Zombies attack the golf cart, tipping it over and biting at it.
Dipper: Aw, come on!
Soos: Hoo, that's a bummer. Good news for me though, ha ha.
Dipper: Soos!
Soos: Sorry, dude, I just really want those brains!
Dipper: Stay back!
Dipper hits a colorful disco ball at the zombies. One of the zombies catches it in its mouth and swallows it, sending rays of colorful light shining out between its ribs. They continue advancing toward the twins, who stand in fear.
Soos: Give it up, dudes! Your fighting only makes us look more rad!
Mabel: What do we do? Where's Grunkle Stan?
Dipper: How's he supposed to help? He doesn't even believe in the supernatural!
Cut to the secret lab, the portal glowing and making a zapping noise. Stan is in his chair, pushing buttons.
Stan: Those agents could ruin everything. Darn kid! He has no idea what he's messing with. (He picks up Journal 1) He's stubborn, that's his problem. (Looks at his face reflected in the cover) Sorta like me, I suppose. (Puts the journal down) Ugh, I got too much on my mind to worry about those kids right now. All right, let's see...
A screen behind him shows Dipper, Mabel, and Waddles running from the zombies. Cut to outside. A zombie pops up in front of the twins.
Mabel: Take that, sucka! (She hits the zombie with the karaoke machine. Its head flies off) This thing's a surprisingly good weapon!
More zombies approach behind them. The kids scream and run into the Shack.
Dipper: Quick! We need to board up all the windows!
They pile things in front of the door, blocking it. The zombies press against the door and begin to break it.
Dipper: (While backing up:) Okay, maybe that'll hold 'em.
The window crashes open. Soos leans in.
Soos: Hey dudes! By the way, I taught the zombies how to get into the fuse box. Among these dudes I'm like a genius, haha!
The Shack lights go out, with red light pouring in from outside. Zombies start climbing in through the window.
Soos: Get those brains, dawg!
Dipper: (Runs for the other door, just as a zombie hand smashes through. He gasps and backs into the corner with Mabel)
Mabel: Dipper, isn't there something in the journal about defeating zombies?!
Dipper: (Frantically looking through the journal:) NO! THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT WEAKNESSES! (Sighs) This can't be happening. I wanted answers so bad I put everyone in danger. Now we're toast, it's all my fault, and no one can save us!
A zombie grabs Dipper's arm and lifts him up. Mabel screams.
Dipper: Ah, NO! MABEL, I'M SORRY!
Mabel: DIPPER
Dipper screams, the zombie opens it's mouth, when suddenly—"SMASH!"—it is hit with a baseball bat and drops Dipper, and its head is crushed by the foot of—
Stan: (Standing in a heroic stance, panting, his clothes torn and hat gone. Gesturing to the twins:) YOU TWO! ATTIC! NOW!
Dipper: Grunkle... Grunkle Stan?!
Stan: I said NOW! (As Dipper, Mabel, and Waddles flee and the zombies approach:) All right, you undead jerks, YOU READY TO DIE TWICE?!
The twins run through the living room, Stan following, fighting off zombies.
Stan: The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is me! Take that! And that! Eat it, no eyes! (A zombie growls and bites the baseball bat in half, only be punched by Stan's brass-knuckle-wearing fists) ANYONE ELSE WANNA PIECE?!
He continues bashing zombies, then backs up the stairs as more enter from the front door. At the top of the stairs he pushes over a grandfather clock with a grunt, sending it tumbling into the horde of zombies. The twins run into their room and slam the door. They back away as something starts breaking in. The door opens to reveal Stan, who coughs and clutches his side.
Stan: Oh! Ow. Everything hurts. (He turns and closes the door, barricading it with a chair)
Dipper: Grunkle Stan, that was amazing! Are you alright! Heh heh, well, at least you can't deny magic exists anymore, right?
Stan: (Pause) Kid, I've always known.
Dipper: Wait, what are you talking about?
Stan: I'm not an idiot, Dipper! Of course this town is weird! And the one thing I know about that weirdness is that it's dangerous! (A zombie's hand breaks through the door. The group backs into the center of the room) I've been lying about it to try to keep you away from it. To try to protect you from it!
A zombie breaks through the window. Stan punches it and watches it fall to the ground, where a crowd of zombies is staring up at the Shack. More start crawling up the outside walls.
Stan: It looks like I didn't lie well enough.
Mabel: What do we do, what do we do?
Dipper: (Pacing across the room) Well, normally the journal would help us, but there's nothing in there about defeating zombies! (He pauses by a black light, and it glows on the journal, revealing glowing text) It's hopeless!
Mabel: Wait, wait, wait! The text! It's glowing in the black light!
Dipper: What? (He flips through the journal, with Mabel and Grunkle Stan watching. The pages are covered with previously hidden notes) All this time I thought I knew all the journal's secrets, but they're written in some kind of invisible ink!
Stan: Invisible ink?
Dipper: This is it! (Reading:) "Zombies have a weakness! Previously thought to be invincible, their skulls can be shattered by a perfect three part harmony." Three part harmony, how can we create that? I have a naturally high-pitched scream...?
Stan: I can make noises with my body? Sometimes intentionally.
Mabel: Boys, boys. I think you're both missing the obvious solution.
Cut to the zombies outside crowding the Mystery Shack. They wander through the gift shop, when a noise comes from a microphone.
Mabel: (Through mic:) Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?
The zombies start walking outside. Soos walks through the living room.
Soos: (Notices TV) Ooh, Gossiping Housewives is on! (He sits to watch. A zombie calls him from outside) Eh, I already sat down.
The zombies gather outside. Dipper, Grunkle Stan, and Mabel are on the roof awning, each holding a microphone.
Mabel: Zombies and gentlemen! I'm Mabel, they're Dipper and Stan, and together we're Love Patrol Alpha!
Dipper: I never agreed to that name.
Mabel: Hit it!
"Taking Over Midnight" starts playing.
Stan: (Looks at lyrics) Uh, Mabel, our lives may not be worth this.
Dipper: (Singing:) "Friday night, and we're gonna party 'til dawn. Don't worry, Daddy, (questioningly) I've got my favorite dress on?!" (Covers mic) Mabel, this is stupid!
Mabel: (Singing:) "Roll in to the party, the boys are lookin' our way. We just keep dancing', we don't care what they say!" (Zombies start crawling up the roof) "And all the boys are gettin' up in my face–" (A zombie grabs at them) Aah! Guys, we have to sing together or it won't work!"
Stan: (Singing:) "Boys are a bore, let's show 'em the door."
All three: (Singing:) "We're takin' over the dance floor! Oh-oh! Girls do what we like!"
A sound wave goes out, causing the zombies to cover their ears. A few of their heads explode.
All three: (Singing:) "Oh-oh! We're taking over tonight! Oh-oh! Girls do what we like! Oh-oh! We're taking over tonight!"
They sing to the night as more zombies' heads explode.
All three (Singing:) "We're queens of the disco! Oh-oh! Girls do what we like! Oh-oh! We're taking over tonight!"
Dipper: (Singing:) "Takin' over tooniiiiight!"
As the guitar riff plays, a zombie pops up and Dipper screams.
Mabel: DUCK! (Shoots it with confetti cannon. Its head lands in the punch bowl as the rising sun illuminates the corpses of all the zombies) Thank you! We'll be here all night!
Stan: Deal with it, zombie idiots! (Laughs maniacally)
All: (Chant:) PINES! PINES! PINES! PINES!
Cut to the ravaged living room. Stan puts on his fez.
Dipper: I'm sorry about this, guys. I totally ruined everything.
Mabel: Dipper, are you kidding me? I got to sing karaoke with my two favorite people in the world! No party could ever top that.
Stan: Kids, listen. This town is crazy. So you need to be careful. I don't know what I'd do with myself if you got hurt on my watch. I'll let you hold on to that spooky journal, as long as you promise me you'll only use it for self-defense, and not go looking for trouble.
Dipper: Okay, as long as you promise me that you don't have any other bombshell secrets about this town.
Stan: (Crosses his fingers behind his back) Promise.
Dipper: (Crosses his fingers behind his back as well) Promise.
Stan: Man, we have got a lot of zombie damage to clean up. Where's my handyman anyway?
Soos: Brains! Braaains!
Stan: Holy Moses! (Grabs a chair, almost hits Zombie Soos)
Dipper: Wait! There's a page in here about curing zombification. It's gonna take a lot of formaldehyde.
Mabel: Ooh, and cinnamon!
Dipper: Come on Soos, let's fix you up.
Soos:Brains! Braaains!
Mabel: (Prodding Soos out of the room) Soos, cut it out!
Soos: Heheh, sorry dude!
Dipper: I can't believe it! All this time the author's secrets were hiding in plain sight! (Pulls out a portable black light and shines it on the journal) A whole new chapter of mysteries to explore...
Cut to end credits.
Agents Powers and Trigger climbs out of a ditch
Trigger: That was insane! I've never seen anything like it! Who do we report to?
Powers: (Pulls a zombie head off his jacket and watches it dissolve in his hand) This is bigger than we imagined. We need to bring in the big guns.
Trigger: But they'll never believe us!
Powers: Then we'll make them believe us. This is the town we've been searching for.
Toby walks by, swinging for a piñata and making weird noises.
Trigger: Aah! Another zombie!
Powers: Drop your weapon! Drop your weapon!
Toby lifts his blindfold and looks at the agents.
Agents: Oh, it's just—Who is that guy?—just a very ugly man.
Code: SMOFZQA JDF (WELCOME BACK decoded from Vigenere. The key is WIDDLE)
( Gravity Falls )
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