[Lyric] Such Horrible Things (Creature Feature)

[Intro]
Sit back now
Let me tell you a tale
Where justice does not prevail
About an ill fated life
So very full of strife
Where two wrongs do not make a right

So

[Verse 1]
When I was born
I did surely scorn
My proud parents' name
Then their lives went down the drain
Drove them insane
My birth was a curse
I bit the nurse
Oh, but I love the worst
I deserve to be slowly submersed
Dried out then laid in a hearse
[Verse 2]
When I was two
I poured super glue
Into my father's hair
As he sat unaware
In his arm chair
Much to his dismay
Had to cut it all away
Oh, but it felt great
I deserve to be cut and filleted
Then tossed about in disarray
Until the pieces melt away

[Chorus]
I am not a bad man
Even though I do bad things
Very bad things
Such horrible things
Oh, but it's not quite what it seems
(Not quite what he seems)
Not quite what I seem
Ah, hell
It's exactly what it seems

[Verse 3]
When I was four
I'd wait by the door
With a knife in my hand
And a most devious plan
It would be quite grand
As the mail fell through the slot
The sharp edge he got
Oh but I love the thought
I deserve to be tied in a knot
Broken bones and blood clots
[Verse 4]
When I was six
I used to trick
The next door neighbor's son
In the woods we would run
Time for fun
Hide and seek has a cost
He would be forever lost
Oh, but I love to scoff
I deserve to have my head lopped off
Hidden and covered in moss
Until this memory is forgot

[Chorus]
I am not a bad man even though I do bad things
Very bad things
Such horrible things
Oh but it's not quite what it seems
(Not quite what he seems)
Not quite what I seem
Ah, hell
It's exactly what it seems

[Verse 5]
When I was eight
I used to hate
The color of my house
So as quiet as a mouse
I burned it down to the ground
When no one was around
Oh, but I love the sound
I deserve to be quickly put down
Rotting six feet underground
[Verse 6]
When I was ten
I used to pretend
To drown in the sea
'Till they'd come to rescue me
Then proceed to laugh in their face
Such a disgrace
Oh, but I love the taste
I deserve to have my brains displaced
All over the fireplace
Until this life has been erased

[Chorus]
I am not a bad man
Even though I do bad things
Very bad things
Such horrible things
Oh, but it's not quite what it seems
(Not quite what he seems)
Not quite what I seem
Ah, hell
It's exactly what it seems

[Verse 7]
When I was twelve
I used to delve
Into evil schemes
Just to elicit screams
Boost my self esteem
Pushed my sister down a well
She just fell
Oh but I loved to dwell
I deserve to roast deep down in hell
Where no one can hear me yell

When I was fourteen
...nothing much happened

Well, there was that one time

[Instrumental]

[Chorus]
I am not a bad man
Even though I do bad things
Very bad things
Such horrible things
Oh, but it's not quite what it seems
(Not quite what he seems)
Not quite what I seem
Ah, hell
It's exactly what it seems

[Verse 8]
When I was sixteen
Life was frightening
My brother was quite dull
So with laughter in my skull
Pushed him in a hole
Then buried him alive
He barely survived
Oh, but I love the cries
I deserved to be battered and fried
With an electric chair that's set on high

[Verse 9]
Now that I'm eighteen
I still hate things
In this padded cell I call my home
No friends, no phone
No life to call my own
Here I will lie
Until the very day I die
Until my blood begins to dry
And I return to the darkness from whence I came

So

[Chorus]
I am not a bad man
Even though I do bad things
Very bad things
Such horrible things
But it’s not quite what it seems
Not quite what I seem
Ah, hell
I'm exactly what I seem