[Lyric] Branson’s Christmas Poem Hurrah Christmas Soldier (Episode One)

It was the night before Christmas and all were in bed
Tucked in and cozy with festive dreams in their head
They dreamed of Christmas things because Christmas was here
They dreamed of bells and wicker and caroling cheer
They dreamed of eggnog, frankincense, and jelly beans
And hey, while we're at it, does anyone know what yuletide means?

Oh yes, all thе world was tucked into their sheets
While Santa Claus arrangеd his mighty fleet
"On Frank, on Yen, on Rusty, and Ruben,
On Virgil, and Turk, and even Livingston,
On Basher, on Saul, and don't forget Linus,
As I mention the Reindeer I forgot the finest!
At the front of the sled there sits old Danny,
The leader of the eleven and a Reindeer that's handy"

Yes Kris Kringle is the man that is closest to heaven
But, his favorite movie is Ocean's 11
He whips them bloody so that they will fly
So that another successful Christmas goes by
He has to whip them or else they won't fly
It's a normal thing, so don't even ask why
Oh, he bloodies their backs as he flies through the air
While the arctic wind flows through his hair
To find a man on his nice list who's practically a saint
And he lands his wagon, or whatever, in a village so quaint
Santa saw the disgusting house and took a double take
"This man's too poor to be nice, it must be a mistake!
Why, this fellow's so nice, he's at the top of my list!
Why does he live in a place like this?"
He kicked in the window and climbed into the scene
He saw medals displayed everywhere, this man was a Marine!
No Christmas tree, no decorations, and even no wicker
No mistletoe, no sugar plums, you couldn't even tell it was winter!
Santa put his hands on his hips and looked over the room
And found nothing joyous, no bells, his heart could not bloom
He found only ammo, knives, and tons of swords
And a bunch of internet posts using racist words
He had a bunch of weights so that he could get bigger
And a Stormfront website where they all say a word I don't want to say right now

"Surely," said Santa "A man who fights for all that is dear
deserves himself a little Christmas cheer"
And Santa got to work while the soldier slept on a thin sheet
Dreaming of the morning, when he would beat his meat
Little did he know, old Kris Kringle was a plotting to give him
A great Christmas in this house he was squatting
He baked cookies, decorated a tree, got him all new wicker
And he unloaded all the guns and poured out all the liquor
Sure, it took some time, but this soldier was a hero!
So what happens if he skips presents for Rio De Janeiro?

And just as he finished, the Christmas soldier stirred as he slept
And he awoke and took his gun out of his mouth where it was kept
"Just what's all this fuss on this lonely Christmas day?
Has the Taliban showed up to blow me away?"
That's when he grabbed "Fucker," that's the name of his gun
And he knew the Taliban were attacking
And it was time to have some fun
He rolled out of his room with tactical perfection
And aimed his weapon in Santa's direction
He sprayed the room with bullets as Santa hit the deck
His jolly old gut wasn't hit as he frantically checked
But now Santa found himself in a tactical situation
As the Christmas soldier loudly accused him of being Haitian
Santa had to think fast, this guy would send him to Heaven
Where he would live out his eternity watching Ocean's 11
How their riffs and their schemes are just so fun and snappy
Just a no-stress movie that's just got thrills and is happy
The Christmas soldier approached Santa with his eyes all red
As Santa kicked a chair into the Soldier's head
His gun rocked back and he fired into the ceiling
As Santa swept his leg and sent the man reeling
The soldier hit the ground, and Santa was ready to rock
He put the Christmas soldier in a figure-four leglock
Santa said "Settle down kemosabe, I'm just here to help"
As the Christmas soldier wrestled free with a yelp
"Nice try Taliban!" said the soldier so proudly
And then he said that word I don't want to say again, pretty loudly
"I don't know why you think I am from the island of Haiti
My name is Santa Claus, I'm like four hundred and eighty
I have no weapons, no C4 or suicide vest
I only have gold, myrrh, and frankincense"
The soldier said "I don't believe in you or in heaven,
My prayers have not been answered, I don't have Oceans 11"
"My son," Santa said, "Look what I have for you, I got you Oceans 11
And guess what? 12 too"
And if you think the fun ends there, the future you have not foreseen
For I even have Ocean's 13

The Christmas soldier smiled as he lowered his weapon
If Christmas was calling then he simply must beckon
"To tell the truth Santa, I never wanted any gifts,
I like shooting, I like pussy, I like drinking fifths,
I liked protecting the country from scum like you
Who thinks they can come into my house and tell me what to do!
I believe in Thor and a bunch of other weird Pagan shit
Now get on your knees as I load this clip
As I take my weapon and blast you full of holes
You will fall to the ground and I will see your soul!"
Santa smiled serenely as the lead went into his skull
And the Christmas spirit poured out of him after a brief lull
The room smelled like gingerbread and snowflakes filled the air
As the Christmas soldier began to get a frightful scare
"What is happening?" he said
"What is this cheer and this zeal?
And is that a beard growing on my face that I feel?
And these clothes, where'd they come from?
And why are they red?"
As the answer slowly began to fill in his head
"Ah yes, I'm Santa now" Santa said, smiling with a smirk
"Lots of other houses to go to, lots and lots of work"